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Thread: accepting the concept of donor eggs

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
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    Default accepting the concept of donor eggs

    I have just found out through failed IVF cycle that my eggs are not up to parr, and not having a lot of money to continue trying over and over, the doctor said the best possible chance we have is to use donor eggs. I'm having a hard time thinking about having a child that is my husbands but not mine biologically. I know that I would love the child as if he/she were mine, but the thought of looking into their eyes and not seeing myself and only my husband really bothers and saddens me extremely. Any suggestions on how to deal with this would be much appreciated. At this point, I am feeling a bit numb and that I have lost complete control of everything. I am hoping that talking to someone who has gone through this or is going through this may help me. I am hoping.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
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    25

    Default It is a Process

    Hi:

    I too went through IVF at 43. I had five viable embryos but none of them implanted. I could not afford another IVF cycle. I felt the way you do about donor eggs. Three years ago, I mustered the courage to meet with a fertiility doctor and discuss the possibility of donor egg. I was there intellectually but my heart was not there yet. My husband was not 100% on board at that time. Fast forward to the present.....during the past few years I have processed the situation I am in and realized that having a baby and nurturing a child would make the child mine. My husband and I met this week with another feritility doctor to discuss donor egg. I am 50. Luckily I am a canidate. I have figured out the financials. We chose a potential donor or two from their limited book. But my husband was not ready. I am waiting for my husband to say "go". I am ready to undergo the donor egg treatment. I am at peace. It took six years of research, soul searching and prayer to get to this point. We used the fertility monitor over the last six years, hoping that it would happen naturally. But we did not conceive. My advise would be to give yourself some time to process your situation. Your feelings may change overtime. Best wishes.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
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    2

    Default Thank you

    I just wanted to thank youfor your reply. My husband is not that keen on donor eggs either. Your right it is going to take a lot of time to think through all of the pros and cons for us. Thanks again so much. I hope all goes well with your journey and that your husband will soon have the same feelings as you.

  4. #4
    mckenziecat is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Jun 2006
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    1,308

    Default barge - just wanted to share

    read your post and wanted to share that a good friend of mine has a 6 yo son from donor egg. He is best buddies with my dd (we joke that we have already pre-arranged their marriage) and of course I adore him, but I rarely think about "how" he was conceived. I only know because we discussed that we used the same fertility clinic and we're pretty close friends. For my friend using her own eggs was out of the question as she was beginning menopause. She was nervous about adoption and someone trying to get the baby back (though that is NOT that common) and she felt that there was some security in that the child would be biologically her dh's. He is of course, all both of theirs in every way. I will say she had some difficulty with getting her mom (whom she is very close to) to accept the "uniqueness" of it, but once he was here, grandma was in love and they never looked back. I do know that she is careful about whom she tells about the donor egg - the reality is the general public is not always very informed and can be stupid/hurtful in comments. The net result for my friend though has been a beautiful son and she hasn't regretted her decision for one minute (neither has her dh, but he was on board).
    Hope you don't mind the barge, good luck on your decision,
    beth

  5. #5
    Hollie_B is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default It definitely is a process (success/children)

    I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. It is a type of grieving and part of the process women who choose a third party option may ultimately go through. As in all grieving your time frame will vary from others.

    We chose to move forward with finding a donor in October. November and December were two of my most difficult months. All of the sudden, things that I didn't even like about myself (i.e. freckles) became representative of a loss of genetics. I grieved something (having a genetic child) that is one of the most fundamental aspects of a woman. I became angry at women that seemed to take it for granted. I became sad for losing that connection. I envied my husband for being able to maintain that connection.

    In the end, I felt it was important to just "feel" those emotions. I was giving up something that every other women that I new had. However, I gained so much more. For me, choosing to have a child via donor eggs was the greatest gift I have ever received. We ended up having identical twin girls and I truly feel they were specifically chosen for us. The stars had to be aligned and than realigned for these two little girls to be our daughters.

    Be kind and patient with yourself. It is a process. Best of luck to you.

    Hollie

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
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    25

    Default

    Thank you so much for sharing this story! I shared it with my husband.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
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    Default

    I so appreciate the opportunity to read this donor egg story. Thank you.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
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    Default Donor Egg Consideration

    My husband is "thinking" about whether or not to go through with the donor egg cycle. We plan to talk about it Sunday afternoon. He wants to retire early in ten years and travel the world. I hope that he sees the wonderful dimension that a child could add to his life and he can still retire and travel the world...during the summer. I remain positive and hopeful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
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    25

    Default It's a Go

    My husband agreed on Sunday to proceed with the donor egg cycle.
    I am nervous.
    I will call the clinic in a few minutes to set things up.
    Any recommendations as to what to do to be successful?

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Posts
    7

    Default

    Hollie-it was good to read your story. I was trying to conceive for a long time and during that time, my partner and I broke up and my Mother passed away, which made me want even more some genetic connection to my own family. It's been 3 years and I'm still trying to grieve the loss of being able to have my own but am now reconsidering using donor eggs. I am scared of the risks because of my age (now 47) but I am in great condition and it's now or never. I'm in an even odd-er position in that I don't have a partner/husband anymore and therefore I will be using both donor eggs and sperm. So, it's really great that your husbands have come around because the child could be very much like them in the end.

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