I am so tired...
My pregnancy (via IVF Heart Scholarship) was such a blessing. We were elated, but I lost my baby January 6, 2009. It has been 13 months and I still feel soooooo sad and angry. I have emotional waves. Some days are better than others. For the past year I have come to this site in hopes of finding an answer to help me through this, but for some reason I have not wanted to 'say' anything. I have just lurked.
I am so tired of feeling the way that I do. I sometimes don't have the desire to do anything at all. I just want to be left alone. At times I don't even want to leave my house. I feel like I am trapped inside of a glass box; everyone sees me, but they can not hear me as I scream. I know I am depressed still. I have gone to counseling at my church to heal my spirit, but I still feel broken. No one seems to have any answers for me. I try to distract myself, but the distractions are temporary. No one understands how I feel. I have been told that I should be past this now. I think people can be so insensitive, especially the ones that say my miscarriage might have been a blessing to protect me from a sick child or more heartache. I do not want to hear that.
I want to be happy for others during and after pregnancies, but it is still difficult to truly be happy. I hate being jealous of their blessing. I work with two ladies that had miscarriages within two weeks of me. One of them got pregnant two months later in March and the other got pregnant in July. The first lady gave birth Dec. 22, 2009 to a baby girl. The other is due in three weeks. My cousin just had a baby a few weeks ago and another cousin, that happens to be a year younger than me, is due soon. I do not think any of them realize how blessed they are.
I HATE I can not get pregnant like they can. I am 37 with high FSH. The odds seem to be against me and I think I have lost hope (which used to be a driving force in my life). My heart scripture (Hebrews 11:1) even talks about faith and hope. I am not sure that I believe the scripture anymore; I fear I have lost my faith. My ovary is working hard, but I am not getting any younger. As the late Dr. Samuel Thatcher of Centers for Applied Reproductive Sciences once told me, my body is acting like that of someone at least 10 years older. IVF is my only option since I do not have fallopian tubes and I only have one ovary (all lost in my fertility struggles). I can not afford an IVF cycle. I have tried to save and family/ friends say they will help, but they do not and I resent them for not following through. They are such liars!! The IVF facility in my city wants nearly 14K. My husband won't agree to refinancing our house; I guess I can not blame him. A loan is out of the question. IT IS NOT FAIR!!!!!! I guess it was not meant for me to give birth to a child.
I need to get past this, but I really don't know how and I do not want to burden anyone. I feel alone.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen.