Hi Ladies

I don't remember the last time I was on this board. But I do remember spending every free second I had scouring these pages, praying to find an answer.

My story....at 29 I got married (1996) began trying for a baby immediately. About a year later become pg on our own only to discover it was a tubal. No other option available except IVF. Tubes were scarred from endometriosis. And the journey began. Six years of complete and utter heartache. Yet we had poster perfect IVF cycles, only to get big fat negative pg tests time and time again.

IVF #1 Fresh - Transferred 2 perfect blasts (also froze some)
IVF #2 Fresh- Transferred 3 perfect blasts (froze a few more)
1st Frozen Cycle-Transferred 4 (I don't remember numbers, I think we started with 10 or so from the fresh cycles, against the RE's recommendation I transferred 4, two were grade A and two grade B)
IVF #3 Fresh - Transferred 5 (Yes I DEMANDED 5, all good quality, but I also insisted we do a 3 day transfer not a 5 day)
ALL NEGATIVES, not even the faintest hint of a positive)

In my last fresh cycle (IVF #3) they retrieved over 40 eggs, other cycles had only produced about 20 or so, if memory serves me correctly. We were out of money....nothing covered by insurance so I knew the 3rd cycle would be our last fresh cycle. Of course I had hoped to be able to freeze some, for a future chance at one or two frozen cycles. But as fate would have it, Day 5 came and the RE called to say out of the surviving 18 eggs only 1 was graded high enough to freeze. So....one little guy went on ice and I waited a few more days to take the pregnancy test only to be devastated again with another negative. Somewhere in between all those cycles, we also got pg on our own again, it was another tubal.

My dh and I had been doing this roller coaster for 5 years, I was tired, I needed a break. So I stopped all treatment and started counseling. While in counseling I worked through some issues, but moving onto to adoption or being child free was not an option I could even think about with that lone frozen egg still out there.

I made a plan to do the frozen cycle on my own without my husband knowing, why? Because I didn't feel there was any reason for both of hearts to be broken again. Anyways, my well laid plans got botched when the clinic called our home and dh just happened to answer. He wasn't angry with me after I explained, just disappointed that I had purposely planned the transfer to take place while he would be away at a 2 week law enforcement school. Transfer was scheduled for on or about 9/11/2001.....dh left on 9/6. That month my body decided not to cooperate, AF never came as planned so I couldn't start the meds. We both knew by the time he left for school the cycle was a bust. The morning of 9/11, I wondered if God hadn't planned it that way. I would not have wanted to be going through any cycle during that crisis.

So the next month came, AF came as planned, took the few drugs that were needed. The day came to defrost our loan embryo. I was still so bitter about all of it, I knew the embryo would thaw just fine, I knew I would be forced to go and transfer it, I knew I would have to suffer and wait 5 days to do a pg test, I knew the test would be negative, and I knew I was going to hate life again.

The embryo thawed fine, transferred the next day. Refused to let dh come with me. I went about my life as nothing had happened, I made no special effort, no resting the day of transfer, nothing. Day 5 came.....they drew my blood, and I left the lab and went to work. I remember driving and thinking what a cruel joke all of it was. I went to lunch with some friends, and my phone rang in the restaurant, I didn't even go outside to take the call I knew what the doctor was going to say...."Traci...I'm sorry......blah...blah...blah...

What I heard was, Traci, your HCG level is 30.

The rest is a text book pregnancy. That lone embryo is now 14 years old. He is my world.

I come back to this board, to give you ALL HOPE!

I remember how much I wanted to punch the women who would post....Don't give up! It only TAKES ONE! Really? I transferred 5 flipping gorgeous embroys....it does take more than just ONE, is all I wanted to scream at them. I. Was. Wrong.

So please, don't give up hope. I know the devastation of each negative pg test can eat away at your heart and soul, making it seem like there is no hope. But I like so many others, was successful with just ONE! He was frozen for over a year. MIRACLES DO HAPPEN. And I can only imagine the improvements they have made to the process now so many years later.

With love to all of you still trying, a piece of my heart will ALWAYS LIVE ON THIS BOARD. It was my life line for so many years.

Sincerely,

TraciL