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Thread: Can I lay down my burden for awhile?

  1. #1
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    Default Can I lay down my burden for awhile?

    I've been registered on this forum for a long time, but only lurk, as we still don't really have a good diagnosis for my dd. She has always had sensory issues, and difficulty in school. I had her evaluated by the school in the fall--no severe issues, but clearly some problem areas (the OT eval did not come up with SID). Before Christmas, she was complaining of various aches and pains, and of being tired all the time. So, I took her to the ped. DD asked to speak with the ped alone. The ped told me dd was exhibiting all the symptoms of childhood depression. So, the hunt for a therapist began. I had a really, really hard time finding someone--all the recommended therapists were booked, or I couldn't find them. Then, after Christmas she stopped eating. Not completely, but mostly. I was lucky that about the same time I finally found a therapist who was a) highly recommended b) able to see her immediately and c) on our insurance. After seeing her for several visits, therapist recommends testing for ADD. DD comes back "borderline." After several more visits, therapist asks to meet with me alone, says she thinks dd is "stuck" in her depression, and recommends meds. So, tomorrow I take my dd to a psychiatrist for an evaluation.

    This has all been so hard. Not only does it break my heart to have dd so depressed, at the same time her behavior makes me want to SCREAM! Her mood and atitude color our whole family life (I have twin boys who are 6 1/2 also--who, by the way, she consistently tells everyone she wishes had never been born). No matter what I do--how hard I try, she is never, ever happy. Just today, at the end of a day where she got to have a playdate with her best friend and we went to the movies, she said to me "I didn't really have any fun today." Can you imagine anything that would make you feel more of a total failure as a mom??

    And, in the meantime, I still have to work. I still have to plan meals, and clean the house, and do laundry. I still have to be a mom to my boys, and a wife to my husband (though he will tell you there's never enough of that) I am so weary, and my heart is so sad.

    I'm pretty sure that no-one on this board is dealing with a depressed kid (I posted a query or two quite awhile back) but I know you all are struggling every day with your own issues with your kids, so you all really know how I feel.

    Thanks--

    Lorraine

  2. #2
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    mickey2 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    my dss now 17, deals with anxiety and depression as comordid issues to his aspergers, adhd and ODD. its genetic in both dh's and his ex's family.

    for now, dss has refused meds for depression and goes for more extreme sports for his "highs" and high caffiene drinks. b/c of his adhd and depression, he is watched closely for bipolar but his psych doesnt think he has it at this time.

    i dont post much about dss b/c he has asked me not to. he did say it was ok to post back to you. we have also looked into some "group style homes/camps/etc" for him. he hates where he is now emotionally but his anxiety keeps him paralyzed in fear to try new things on his own.

    i literally have toss him in situations/events w/o telling him. or he makes excuses or finds ways to avoid going.

    diet has a huge impact on him. but a teen doesnt like to eat healthy, lol. depression meds are tricky for kids b/c they arent tested on kids and lately have been shown to increase suicidal tendancies/ideations.

    so yes i can relate. i have watched my dss deal with it since he was 2yo. we have not found the perfect solution yet and are still trying to help him learn to cope with it. hugs and prayers

  3. #3
    anniemc2000 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default Hugs- that sounds so hard

    and it must be so hard to watch her go through this. But, it sounds like you have a good plan in place to find out what's going on with her. I am not all that familiar with depression in children, but her moods and "not having fun" do sound like depression. You are absolutely not a failure as her mom- it is something that's going on in her body that you are working very hard to address. It is good that you have an appointment tomorrow with the psychiatrist. Please keep us posted.
    Hugs,
    Ann

  4. #4
    angeleena is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default Sending you some hugs!

    Hi,
    you are such a great mom. I can tell that you really love and care about your daughter.
    Unless I missed it, I did not see how old your daughter is.

    I was an anxiety ridden depressed kid and never given meds or therapy! I REALLY WISH I HAD been given meds!!!

    Do not feel like it is your fault that she needs meds. If she were diabetic would you feel responsible? Genetics are the main issue at hand here...
    You are doing the right thing. Your and her life is about to change for the better most likely.

    I cannot say enough good about anti-depressants.

    After she is medicated (if this is what happens) I have a feeling that you are going to look back on this time period and wish that you had started meds sooner.

    It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I cannot imagine having a SN kid, twins, and a husband!! That is a lot to handle!

    MY DH also thinks there is never enough time for him! (um, sex that is) When he questions it, I just hand him the mop, etc haha Just today I said "Life is busy with a kid, get used to it!" haha

    I hope your appt goes well and that you get some great advice, answers, and maybe meds....

    My thoughts will be with you and your daughter...
    I wish that my parents would have done for me what you are doing for your daughter. I could have had a much different life. Instead, I was not medicated until I was well into my thirties. I dropped out of college because of anxiety and depression and could barely deal with life. So, it is great that you are catching this now and doing something about it.


    Take Care!
    Angi

  5. #5
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    Default Lorraine...

    You are a great mom to be helping your dd through this. It does sound exhausting and I sure hope and pray the appt tomorrow goes well and gives you answers. (and help/hope!)

    Even though I know nothing about childhood depression, I will offer my support anytime! Please feel free to "unload" here anytime! (I lurk, as well, but with summer upon us, I hope to be around more)

    HUGS!

    Kathie
    Alex (ASD/SID) 6yo





    Quote Originally Posted by 2ndtime
    I've been registered on this forum for a long time, but only lurk, as we still don't really have a good diagnosis for my dd. She has always had sensory issues, and difficulty in school. I had her evaluated by the school in the fall--no severe issues, but clearly some problem areas (the OT eval did not come up with SID). Before Christmas, she was complaining of various aches and pains, and of being tired all the time. So, I took her to the ped. DD asked to speak with the ped alone. The ped told me dd was exhibiting all the symptoms of childhood depression. So, the hunt for a therapist began. I had a really, really hard time finding someone--all the recommended therapists were booked, or I couldn't find them. Then, after Christmas she stopped eating. Not completely, but mostly. I was lucky that about the same time I finally found a therapist who was a) highly recommended b) able to see her immediately and c) on our insurance. After seeing her for several visits, therapist recommends testing for ADD. DD comes back "borderline." After several more visits, therapist asks to meet with me alone, says she thinks dd is "stuck" in her depression, and recommends meds. So, tomorrow I take my dd to a psychiatrist for an evaluation.

    This has all been so hard. Not only does it break my heart to have dd so depressed, at the same time her behavior makes me want to SCREAM! Her mood and atitude color our whole family life (I have twin boys who are 6 1/2 also--who, by the way, she consistently tells everyone she wishes had never been born). No matter what I do--how hard I try, she is never, ever happy. Just today, at the end of a day where she got to have a playdate with her best friend and we went to the movies, she said to me "I didn't really have any fun today." Can you imagine anything that would make you feel more of a total failure as a mom??

    And, in the meantime, I still have to work. I still have to plan meals, and clean the house, and do laundry. I still have to be a mom to my boys, and a wife to my husband (though he will tell you there's never enough of that) I am so weary, and my heart is so sad.

    I'm pretty sure that no-one on this board is dealing with a depressed kid (I posted a query or two quite awhile back) but I know you all are struggling every day with your own issues with your kids, so you all really know how I feel.

    Thanks--

    Lorraine

  6. #6
    danellsar is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    It's a hard road to follow as a parent. My dd has SID, Aspergers, and the therapist we're seeing is suggesting anxiety disorder. Some days it's so hard to be around her, she's so negative and angry. She gets over the top upset at the drop of a hat. Way beyond normal "teen" stuff. One of the hardest things for me is that I'm her "whipping post" of choice, so she unloads a lot onto me.

    We haven't gotten a referral to a psychiatrist yet, but it's in the works. I think you will see a great change in your dd with meds (if the dr says they're needed). Even if you don't choose to use meds, finding her a good therapist will help a LOT!

    Come unload here anytime.
    Ellen

  7. #7
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    Actually you are a good mom -
    YOu are concerned and you are gettng her help. You are not a total failure. I certainly can understand why you'd feel that way though - that's only natural.

    I don't know about others at INCIID, but i know we have had many patients come thru our office w/childhood depression.

    I"m glad you will be going to see the Psychiatrist. It is scary, trying meds. But I can't tell you what a difference they made with me. I was very scared of them also.

    Please though, do make sure that you keep up appts w/the counselor and i'd try to see the counselor at least weekly for a good while after she tries the meds. Just because of the increased suicide risk (that really isn't very well understood). Also it is often very hard to come of the meds...so once she starts taking them, explain that to her that if at some point she doesn't think she wants to take them, she'll need to see the psychiatrist again to learn how to step down. (if nothing else, that will ensure she continues to take them, and she'll have to talk to the psychiatrist first).

    Now, I am NOT a psychologist. This is totally just my opinion, ok? I think that when a person exhibits signs of psych problems without an event causing it, that is a good indication of when meds will help. Like when I went on effexor last summer, my life was fairly stable, stressful but not incredibly. BUT...I got to the point that I dreaded bedtime b/c I would be filled w/anxiety...over nothing and everything. No obvious reason why I would be filling that way. So that's why I went on the meds. And they helped. To me, that was a good indication of the balance in my head being off (the neurotransmitters or whatever they are).

    The counselor is there to help your dd find coping mechanisms and also to help your dd retrain her thinking away from depressive thinking. Very important for someone who has been depressed a long time and gotten used to it.

    Now if you are depressed b/c you lost your job, well, that's normal and to be expected. Ifyou are mourning a lost family member, again, quite normal. OTOH, if it prevents you from daily functioning, impairs your life, then again, an indication for counseling and/or meds. In that case, I would suggest the meds would enable the person to actually work on their issues w/the counselor. I know when I have a bad day, I am practically paralyzed and can't do anything - life itself overwhelms me. If someone told me to work on my problems (which I have now - rough stuff going on in my life right now) and I was feeling that anxious, overwhelmed, etc, there's no way I could make any progress. So the meds help me to cope to be able to make progress in counseling.

    One suggestion would be for you to seek counseling yourself. Not the same counselor. maybeone in same practice but not necessarily. But someone to help YOU cope with the guilt, worry, burden, etc. And a counselor would know a lot more about childhood depression and could help you understand what your dd is feeling/thinking, etc. And perhaps help you to know how to communicate with her.

    Tell her you love her a lot, even if she doesn't want to hear it. Reach out to her, even if she doesn't act like she wants you to. Offer to sit and listen often, even if she doesn't respond. If it's hard for you, imagine how hard it is for her. And you don't want her to ever think you are judging her for how she feels - she really can't help it! OTOH, I'd continue to offer opportunities to get out there and do something to make her happy. Because the goal is to get her to feel better, and you want to be ready to help her when she is there. And you don't want her to feel like she only gets your attention when she is moaning and groaning.

    Mothering is NOT easy!!!!

    Just my advice, I'm not a professional, at all!

    Kaylie who dreads the teen yrs w/her 6 yr old dd!

  8. #8
    trek is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Oh, hugs, hugs and hugs. I know there are some others here on INCIID. My child has anxiety, possible OCD.

    Just saying that even if someone has a child with similar dx, no one can walk in our shoes. Some people handle things differently.

    hugs

  9. #9
    pepperlc is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default big hugs to you

    I haven't had to deal with depression in my children just in myself. it is amazing to me how different I feel when I take them. I can live again. I don't know all the research about using them in children but I'm glad that you are going to see some specialists about it.

    You are a great mom. You can feel it in your posts how much you care.

    karen

  10. #10
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    Default Thank you all so much for your support!

    The visit to the Dr. went well, I think He spent most of the time alone with her, and she is hard to read these days. Tomorrow (today? gee, maybe I should go to bed already!) My DH and I will take her--he asked to spend some time with us alone, and with the three of us together. Maybe after that I will know more.

    FWIW, I'm not the least opposed to meds if they will help her. I am concerned about the suicide risk, of course, and have been doing lots of general research, but I can't do much till I have a specific drug to investigate. And, the plan has always been that she would continue to see her psychologist while on the meds, as well as the psychiatrist (so he can monitor the meds--he's indicated the frequency of visits with him would decrease once he is happy with dosages)

    Thanks to whoever suggested I get counseling as well. I am going to bite the bullet and pursue this, probably with dd's psychologist if she will treat me, too, as she knows our family situation. I think I am probably depressed, and this almost certainly affects dd.

    Again, thanks for the support, for a lurker, no less!! I knew you all would understand.

    Lorraine

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