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Thread: Possible Abuse of DD at preschool - opinions sought

  1. #1
    angeleena is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Angry Possible Abuse of DD at preschool - opinions sought

    Hi,
    this will be a long one...sorry in advance....
    to update....
    dd has ASD, PDD-NOS, SID, and anxiety - She is 3, will be four in about a month.
    dd goes to a preschool that is part of a college. she is only going for 8 weeks this summer. (this is a different school than she has been in for the past 2 yrs, long story, but it is in the same place, just a different school now with different teachers) she has an autism/sid specialized aid that we have known for more than a year that we ADORE. She has the aid for about 3 hours a day at school and unfortunately, this leaves the afternoon including naptime for dd to be "on her own" so to speak.

    I do not even know how to write this because I have the most guilt I have had over parenting.

    dd hates naps. she has never wanted to stay down for a nap. dd is a handful admittedly. at some point we gave up the fight for naps. at this new school, they are more insistant about naps. apparently, they decided that it was OK to HOLD dd DOWN ON HER COT until she gives up and stays laying there.
    Tuesday, we had a red flag - dd came home with finger shaped bruises on her leg. We questioned her and she said that her teacher hurt her and pushed her back onto her cot. Ok, so we had a family discussion, called grandma, called ella's aunt, and definitely were alarmed, but then had a discussion with the school about it and they were upset - a big deal was that dd had scratched her teacher during the nap session. They were vvery upset that dd had done this and the focus was put on dd scratching the teacher. Here is where the guilt comes in. We did not mention the bruises, after the scratching was brought up, we just messed up thinking that maybe it was an accident because we know how wild dd can get and if dd was scratching the teacher, she was probably flailing around too. Believe me, we have been hit, kicked, scratched, etc by dd and so we sort of assumed that during the scratching trauma that the bruises were an accident. but, it was a red flag, and I know we blew it. Plus, it CANNONT be NORMAL TO MAKE KIDS LAY DOWN ON COTS FOR NAPS IF THEY DO NOT WANT TO!??? IS IT???
    (Not to mention this teacher feigns REALLY NICE and HELPFUL)
    Weds went by without a hitch and we just let it go because there is only 2 weeks left of school. A different teacher was watching during naptime on wed. Yesterday the same teacher as tues was back, the head class teacher....and dd volunteered in the car on the way home "M* (I should post the teacher's name and address here, but I better not!) hurt me, she pushed me down REALLY REALLY hard on my cot and HURT MY BACK!" I was STUNNED. I have been SO DISTURBED ever since. So, at grandma;s house we all examined dd;s entire body. BOTH of her legs have finger sized bruises on the lower front, and a few fingertip looking bruises on the back of one thigh. New ones sicne Tuesday!!! Everyone is ready to go over to that school and do the same thing to the teacher that was done to dd and much worse!!
    (of course i am joking, but dd's uncle said he wants to go over there and "straighten some s*it out.")
    We are a non-violent family btw- and dd has never been spanked or hit in any way.
    We are beside ourselves in trauma.
    We have a call into dd's EI caseworker who was the one who placed dd in this classroom. This afternoon we are going to hvae a meeting at least via the phone as soon as DH gets home.
    So, anyway, here we are, totally beside ourselves in trauma.
    Not to mention the fact that I have two more weeks of classes until I am out for the rest of the summer. (FINALS ARE COMING!) I will not take my sweet girl back to that place though.
    I do not even nkow what else to say except we are just sick.
    Are we over-reacting? Under-reacting?
    I think I will post a few pix of her legs so you can see a little bit later. Yes, we took photos last night.
    Thanks for listening!
    -Angi





  2. #2
    KaylieS Guest

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    You are not overreacting! First of all, if they had naptime issues, they shoudl have immediately contacted you. Second of all, holdinga child down against their will is a HUGE no-no. Any school worth their salt, i.e. wants to keep their license would never risk physical discipline (whichi is what that was). Not these days!!!

    And if a teacher put a bruise on her, even if it was b/c she was scratched, that should have been id'ed in a note. AND if she scratched a teacher, that s hould have been in a note.

    I can tell you this b/c my dd went to 3 diff daycares in our town.

    The last one was really on the ball. I got notes if dd wasn't behaving at naptime (yes, naptime is hard for her too...she hated it). I got notes if they got any boo-boos at all, plus that ointment/bandaid given. I got notes if ds got bitten, etc. Communication was very good.

    The second school I had tried (before the above one), dd was at *2* days. The first day seemed ok. The second day, I go to pick her up, and see her come in from the playground bawling her eyes out. I asked what happened and they casually told me "oh, she's been crying all day long". I said "WHAT???" They said, yeah, sometimes it takes awhile to adjust. One little girl took a month to adjust. OMG...I was furious that they let my little 3 yr old cry an entire day and they didn't call me ONCE! I would have come an dgotten her if needed. Or just talked to her on the phone. But that would have been MY decision.

    The other school she went to, they tried really hard to get dd settled, but in the end it just wasn't working out. Not their fault, really. More that dd was older than the kids in her group but too young for the next group. But one red flag that I didn't pick up on (Until I saw what other schools were like) was that one teacher called her names...she called my dd a "crabbypatty". I guess b/c dd would get mad, cry, who knows. The point is, though, that dd didn't like it - it hurt her feelings. She would tell me she didn't like that tcher b/c she called her that. My dd is VERY sensitive to stuff like that. I should have pulled her out immediately but I didn't.

    I say, pursue this fully, and if they are licensed, report it to the board. Also, if the director blows you off, doesn't write up a report, doesn't reprimand, or tries to put the blame on you or your dd (for not being perfectly behaved), then that's a HUGE red flag that you need to make sure the board knows what the director didn't do and what the teacher did.

    {{hugs}} Preschools/daycares are just not always what they are cracked up to be!

    Kaylie

  3. #3
    zoeyz is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    That is awful I don't think you're overreacting. You're the mom, you have good instincts. Don't feel guilty about the first time bruise, I don't know if I would have put that all together either. Let us know what happens. I hope she is doing okay. That sounds very wrong to forcibly hold a child to nap.

  4. #4
    LL2 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Bottom line - it sounds like it was a terrible match. Yes, some preschools are very very strident about naps and a child would get in trouble for your DD's behavior but the simple fact is that a school like that is not a good match for a child like your DD, and you have to be wondering what the EI caseworker was smoking to make her think that it *would* be a good match.

    What the teacher did was totally inappropriate and scary. However, the fact that it was SUCH a poor match means perhaps she was completely unprepared to deal with something like that. It was a horrible way to handle it though. They should have kept in contact with you from the get go.

  5. #5
    angeleena is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default thanks everyone. it means a lot to have your support!

    i am beyond upset still.

    i am attaching some photos so you can see what i am talking about.

    they do not really show how bad it is.

    we have never dealt with anyting like this before.


    <img src=http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f99/beanbuns/ellasbruisesrightfrontleg.jpg>

    <img src=http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f99/beanbuns/ellasrightlegfrontbruises.jpg>

    <http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f99/beanbuns/ellasbruisesfrontbothlegs.jpg>

    <img src=http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f99/beanbuns/ellabruisesfrontleftlegfingertipsha.jpg>

    <img src=http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f99/beanbuns/backofleftlegfingertiplikebruises.jpg>

  6. #6
    danellsar is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    You are absolutely NOT overreacting. Not only should you call the EI coordinator, but you should be reporting this to whatever licensing agency you have for the school/college. Here in CA, all preschools are licensed by the state, and they immediately look into complaints.

    David has a tough time with naps, too. His OT tells me that it's part of learning to self regulate, and that it can easily take an SID kid an hour or more to self soothe to the point of sleep. That's certainly the case here.

    I can remember when my dd was in preschool (she is also SID and AS), my dh would go over to the school and lie down next to her to help her fall alseep during the summers when he was off work. It only took a few times for her to settle down and do it by herself.

    Call!!! Set up an appointment with the director. Don't listen when they try to tell you it's Ella's fault because she scratched the teacher. It's NEVER EVER the child's fault to be restrained like that. Totally out of line. Also, they should tell you every single time there is a problem with inappropriate behavior so that you can work on it at home. Isn't this supposed to be a special ed preschool? Do the teachers have training to work with kids like Ella?

    That would make me furious!
    Ellen

  7. #7
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    Default We had something very similar happen when dd was almost 3

    in this case it was a teacher/ asst. in her Montessori school. Dd started acting out more than usual and really throwing fits when we dropped her off. One day, I went to talk to the director before picking dd up. Dd saw my car outside and started screaming for me, while I was in the director's office discussing the issues. When I went to her classroom to see what was going on, I personally saw the asst. forcibly holding dd down in a chair and when I intervened, the asst. was complaining that dd kicked her. Well I would have too.

    We had the asst. removed from dd's room and she was not allowed to have contact with dd again under any circumstances. Later we both wondered if we should have reported the incident to the police.

    You are not in the wrong, however, call in the auth. if the school won't remove the person in question.

    So sorry you have to go through this.

    HUGS,
    Charlotte
    Morgan (11) ASD

  8. #8
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    Wow. You are not overreacting. In fact, I honestly believe that you need to escalate this to the authorities. Soon. Maybe you want to start with the school's director and tell her what you suspect. In most states (maybe all), day care providers are "mandated reporters"; i.e., they have to report suspect child abuse. If the director will not report, or will not report strongly and promptly enough, then you should call the licensing authorities right away. And maybe the police, too.

    I firmly believe that anything that causes bruises certainly qualifies as suspected child abuse *at least*. There are detailed regulations for licensed providers about restraint. Restraining a child *for a nap*, for heaven's sake? Restraining her so hard that it caused bruises and hurt her back? So that she would nap? That is not for the child's safety, that is for the teacher's convenience. I do not agree that this was a bad match in preschool philosophy . . . I believe that the teacher who did this is unqualified and dangerous. Especially for kids with special needs.

    Sorry to be so strong about it but . . . this scares me! Take better pictures if you can. Write down a full description of how the bruises looked, and when, and what your dd said. Keep us posted. Good luck.

    Lisa

  9. #9
    angeleena is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default update....

    we are meeting with the EI specialist, and the director of the preschool early monday morning a bout this situation. The EI specialist is very upset, as we all are. The school failed to mention any napping trouble to her even though she asked the teachers in person 2x last week. (they only told me!) The school also is NOT allowed by law to make a kid who is awake lay in their cot more than 20 minutes if they want to get up. (nevermind the bruises!!!) If a kid gets up, they get up and are supposed to be given alternative things to do. This is the LAW. They are not to be held in their cot under ANY circumstances. Basically, the S is hitting the fan.

    Depending on what is said and done on Monday, we will decide if we go to the police or what.

    dd;s aid will be at the school monday from 9-12, and dh is volunteering at the school until 1230 so he will take dd away when he leaves. NEVER will this woman be with dd.

    Tuesday, the aid is not coming, so dd is going to grandma's and probably going to grandma's for the rest of the term which is only 2 weeks.

    We will NEVER subject her to this woman again.

  10. #10
    angeleena is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    PS
    we took more photos and wrote down what happened and when it happened.

    thanks!!!!

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