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Thread: Would this bother you?

  1. #1
    danellsar is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default Would this bother you?

    I have a friend, L, I've known for a long time now. She was pg with her dd at the same time I was pg with my dd, so the girls have known each other since birth. Friend's dh was trained as a special ed teacher, then went back to school and got his speech/language credential. He's currently working as a speech therapist.

    My dd is dx Aspergers and anxiety disorder(got dx about a year ago at age 11). She was dx SID at about age 7. We really struggled a lot over the years NOT knowing what was going on with her, NOT getting any answers from medical professionals or the schools, being totally clueless about the whole thing.

    I was talking to my friend L last night and she said that her dh had been aware of dd's issues since she was 1 or 2. He NEVER mentioned a word to me about seeing red flags, having concerns. In all the years we were going through dr. after dr., assessment after assessment, trying to get a handle on what was going on, he never said anything to me. He never offered an opinion, a suggestion, a direction to look. I told her last night I really wished he would have. Maybe we could have gotten her into therapy or counseling sooner. Saved her some of the heartaches and headaches of all those years of not knowing.

    Her response was that her dh thought that I wasn't "ready to know" about it, that I wouldn't have accepted it.

    On the one hand, I'm ticked off that a professional teacher/therapist would know my child for all those years, know that SOMETHING was going on and that help was available, and NOT say a word. On the other hand, he's a friend, not one of her medical providers, so he wasn't under any legal obligation to say anything. I still think he should have, and it's making it hard to be positive about my friendship with their whole family.

    Argh!!!!!!!!!!
    Ellen

  2. #2
    jeninnc is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Ummm....I would be royally ticked. But I guess I could see his point too. However, I think if I were him, I would feel obligated to say something, because you know he knows that early intervention is key.

    I think I would feel very disappointed and let down as well. It would be hard to look past it.

    HUGS.

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    Default Of course it would bother anyone

    This is the sort of information that isn't helpful but potentially hurtful so of course any parent would be upset. If they weren't comfortable telling you when your dd was one or two, in a kind, supportive way, then they shouldn't tell you like this now. It would be more tactful to support you now rather than provide information from 10 years ago. I think they have damaged the friendship and it might make you feel better to tactfully let them know.

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    Default Sorry i don't know how to post under op's

    I always accidentally reply the wrong way. I intended that to be under the original post.

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    angeleena is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    I agree with ashley completely. it is damaging to tell you now, instead of when she was 2. what was the motive for L to tell you now? Totally not a "friend" thing to do.
    If you are close to her, she should have mentioned that her dh saw some red flags with your dd. I could see waiting a little while to tell you but waiting years and years is really rude.
    I would let them know that the friendship is damaged but that is just me.

    -Angi

  6. #6
    Suzi is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default Hmm...

    Did you ever ask him, knowing that he was a professional? Maybe he thought if you were ready, you would have asked? Were you ready to hear something like that? It surely can be tricky. My DH is a dr and he doesn't go around giving my friends OB/GYN advice unless they ask. I can kind of see where he is coming from. I'm stumped, though, why your friend would bother to tell you that now. Or why your friend, if her DH knew this, didn't gently bring up the topic with you.

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    Jeannie is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    I agree with the others. It's a shame your friend told you this now when it serves no purpose.

    But I am not so sure I would be angry about him not saying anything then. It's a tough call to make. You probably can't be certain yourself how you would have reacted if he had told you he thought something was wrong when your child was just an infant. And what if he was wrong? He was just going by observation, not a full evaluation. He might have been afraid to ruin the friendship. And once you did begin to seek answers, there was really no point in him saying anything because you were already handling the problem.

    I speak from some experience because my sister is a school phychologist and wwhen she was in graduate school she was fond of telling me that she thought my younger DS had ADHD. He's almost 8 now and no one else has ever suggested that. He is well behaved at school and gets good grades. So - she was wrong and all she managed to do was piss me off.

  8. #8
    danellsar is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suzi
    Did you ever ask him, knowing that he was a professional? Maybe he thought if you were ready, you would have asked? Were you ready to hear something like that?
    As a matter of fact, I do remember asking him about several things when we were initially going through the assessments and appointments that led to SID dx. As I recall, he said he didn't know much about SID since he was, at that time, studying to be a ST not an OT. I do know he never said more than that.
    Ellen

  9. #9
    sugarsue is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default Oh hugs to you!

    I would be very annoyed if this happened to us!

    My dd is attracted to kids who I strongly believe have sensory or adhd issues (undiagnosed). When I start to get to know the parents, I don't want to tell them "hey, I think your kid has this or that!" if they don't ask. But I will tell my experiences and hope that they take the hint and if they don't then I do believe that they aren't open to hearing about my thoughts about their child.

    But that sounds differen't in your situation. Sounds to me like he was uncomfortable with bringing up the subject to you rather than you not being open to hear it. Either way, it is not cool for them to even mention it now! I am sorry!

    Susan

  10. #10
    trek is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    I can understand being upset, but I have seen this played out before. Somoone a family memeber, friend has concerns, but does not feel comfortable mentioning them.
    I would hope your friend's dh has learned that being silent is not always a great thing.

    hugs

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