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Thread: I really need to vent *absolutly everything mentioned*

  1. #1
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    Default I really need to vent *absolutly everything mentioned*

    I sincerely hope I can post this here, because what I am feeling emotionally is starting to physically ache.

    *Loss, IF, preemie, unwanted pg, ect. ment*

    6 years ago after years of IF, I held my daughter Marisa as she died in my arms, only 40 minutes after her birth. She took my whole heart with her and honestly, the only reason I am still here is because "I" now knew what losing a child was like and i would never want that for my parents, and my DH needed to know I was "ok.". Then I lost another pg at 10 weeks, an ectopic that was threatening my life. Another year of IF meds and negatives each month had me walking a line that I didnt want to be on any longer. My last month of medication was November 2003. I was trying to talk my DH into adoption and/or trying to find someone who would bless us with surrogacy. A friend of mine told me that she always wanted to do that, my hopes were soooo high. She hmmm'd and hawww'd over it over and over again, and finally I gave up. Just in time to get the flu. I had "the flu" (haha) was pg for 26 weeks. It was a terribly stressful pg, from a late heartbeat and fetal pole, to bleeding, to a scheduled cerclage, 16 weeks of bedrest, Every week seeing my cervix shorten more and more, PTL, protien, more PTL, and finally an emergency c-sec at 26.3 weeks gestation. I thought my pg was bad... until I spent a second in the Neonatal ICU watching Morgan fight. 116 days of pure hell. She coded more often than not, we had rn's that refused to take her because she scared them. We watched helplessly many times, as the NICU team would swarm her bed to revive her. It truly was the deepest depth of hell. Once we brought her home it didnt get much better. Hundreds of ER visits and PICU stays for the first 2 years plagued her. A year after her birth I had not stopped bleeding, so with much sadness and a heavy heart we did a cyro-ablation... Ending any possibility of having the 2 children I have always wanted (Dh does not want to adopt).
    I had a hard time with feeling that if she had been concieved via surrrogacy, she would have never experienced such a hard start to life. I found myself feeling silently angry at my closest IRL friends, all who had many happy blissful healthy pregnancies. I always put on a good face, when they announce another pg (all of them have had or are having another one since Morgans birth and all were oops'). 3 are pregnant within 6 weeks of each other. While they are going on with thier happy little world, Morgan still struggles to find her nitch. She still has to go to the hospital when she gets sick, almost every time. She has many delays and does not have a single real friend. I believe she is on the spectrum (although our childrens hospital thinks she does not fall into that enough to give her the help needed).
    I've watched both my 19 and 20 year old male cousins have beautiful healthy babies. They and thier girlfriends still smoke pot and drink ALL the time, with the babies around. they pawn off thier children at any chance they get so they can party over night.
    I can mostly stay away from or limit my exposure to things that still give my heart pain... but 7 weeks ago my 21 year old SIL (who acts like a 16 year old) is pg. She PLANNED it. She knew her boyfriend didnt want kids, so when she told him he found another g/f and moved out yesterday. She lives with her parents. She is SOOOOO much of a "me" person. She plans on living with Mom and Dad so that they can care for the baby when she works or needs a "night off." Seriously. She expects me to give her our baby stuff... stuff I had saved just in case... stuff that was meant for Marisa... my 1st daughter, that Morgan used. MIL told her that "I" would give her baby shower, she said that when we were both right there. I was floored. Floored. My SIL cant even call the hospital she was at for the pg test results to be sent to her PCP... MIL is doing it for her. So, I found some nice clothes at a garage sale, cute unisex baby clothes. SIL is excited to get them... but not once says thank you. MIL says thank you, but nothing from SIL other than, "Oh he/she will look sooo cute in this and that"
    So MIL invites me a movie, and I decided I better do it (long story, she's a bit psycho) rather than make up an excuse as to why I cant stay. The whole time SIL is rubbing her stomach. I literally felt sick. My heart racing, I was shaking... by the time I got home I was in tears.
    I know this makes me sound soooo mean, and I hate feeling this way. It just upsets me so much that so many people are able to readily pop out babies, that some of those wont be loved and cared for like they should be, and that soooo many of us cant have them, or struggle to keep pg, and that our kids are faced with a possibility of life long medical issues. It makes me sooo sad, and I just ache. i just really ache.
    Im really not a selfish person, or a mean person, please dont think that. I just have no one to talk to about these feelings, so i hope it is ok to do it here today. im hoping that maybe talking about it will help ease this pain.
    Love,
    Tonya

  2. #2
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    Default (((((hugs)))))

    Just ((((hugs))))) big HUGS....no advice. When I was going through IF, I thought it was the worst thing in the world.
    I didn't go through the death of a child or NICU. I can only imagine what that must be like.
    We are human. Don't be so hard on yourself.
    (((hugs and more hugs))))
    LM

  3. #3
    mickey2's Avatar
    mickey2 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    tonya,

    i so feel your pain. i had 4yrs of IF/MCs (7 total mc's), entire pg with ds was spent on bedrest. i was miserable during it and trying to raise my then 10yr stepson as well. only to have an emergency csection at 34wks due to a complete abruption. ds and i are lucky to be alive. he spent 3wks in nicu and by then i wanted him home. by the time ds was 6months, i had to have a full hysterectomy due to recurring stage 4 endo.

    i tried to donate my eggs to a local fertility clinic and was denied due to my own if/mc's. i always wanted 3 kids...and kinda feel like i have 2 but not really.

    dh and i have talked about adopting over the years, but with health issues of ds and now my own health woes. it probably wont ever happen. my hysterectomy was in 2001 and i wish i could tell you i never have issues with the fate life has dealt my family. but i cant.

    3 neighbors are pg and due soon and i cant bring myself to even go outside when i see them. its all pg talk. im happy for them, i really am...but deeply sad for my family still and wish many times that they had to spent a week in our lives.

    i have used a counselor off and on who deals with grief mgmt and post traumatic stress disorder. i hadnt realized that most of what i deal with is the same as PTSD victims endure after combat. it really helps me.

    i have no real words of wisdom or advice, other to say that i understand more than you may ever know and am only an email/phone call away.

    ps. i am always amazed at all the things you do in memory of marissa and how you seem to stay strong and focused on the goods things in your life. hgus galore

  4. #4
    danellsar is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Oh, hon, it's ok to vent. Get it out here where it's safe. We all have days/weeks/months/years where we feel that way. Not only the frustration of IF, the pain of loss, but now the rest of our lives with the ups and downs of a SN kid.

    I'm right there. All my friends have been pg and blissfully innocent about it. Thankfully, I'm older, so a lot of my friends are done and have their families complete and growing older. Still, they tell me things and I just cannot relate. It's like we had pg's on different planets.

    I'm really taking heart from what the dr. was telling me last week at the social skills group meeting. She was saying how much harder it is for girls to be dx'd, and how much longer it takes to get a real dx on spectrum for girls. She also said, though, that she thinks girls are more treatable because they so WANT friends. She was saying how most AS boys, once they're aware of being different and not having close friends, are kind of ok with being loners (not all, it was just a generalisation). But girls really want to have a friend, want to fit in to the group, so they work all the more to get there.

    I hope that it helps you to get it out and know that you have "sisters" here who understand.
    Ellen

  5. #5
    amelia1 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    (((Tonya))) I'm so sorry you are keeping all these feelings inside. Do you any type of a support systems "IRL". You need to talk to someone and let these feelings out. (((Hugs)))

  6. #6
    anniemc2000 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default Hugs Tonya

    You've been through so very much heartache. I'm sorry about your SIL, and I am sorry for all your pain.
    You're in my thoughts.
    Hugs,
    Ann

  7. #7
    trek is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Oh sweetie, hugs. So sorry that you have to experience such hurt.

  8. #8
    sugarsue is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default Big huge hugs

    I'm glad you can come here and vent and tell your feelings. These feelings that might be considered unpopular by some are totally understood here. As someone who has somewhat similar feelings about my loss and IF, your story touches my heart so much. Big hugs to you.

    Susan

  9. #9
    JulieATL is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default Oh Tonya...m

    How could anybody (esp on this board) ever think of you as selfish and mean?????? You are in such a dark place right now and feeling so down on yourself, I hate that you are feeling this way, that your feelings are somehow not justified. They are completely normal and expected for someone in your situation. I wish I could reach through this screen and squeeze you so hard.

    I know the physical ache that comes out of emotional pain, it's so real you can feel it, taste it, it permeates everything you do.

    There's not much any of us can say or do, just know we're here and we're listening and you are in the right place to share all of your feelings. If you do have the opportunity, being able to work some of this out with a counselor could be really helpful as well.

    All the best to you, my friend.

    ,
    Julie

  10. #10
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    (((Tonya))) I'm so sorry. No one will completely understand your grief unless they've walked in your shoes. I wish no one would ever have to deal with the pain of the loss of a child. Please accept huge hugs from me. I'm tearing up at reading your post. I can feel the pain in your words.

    Paula

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