Oh Tonya, I wish I could give you a huge HUG in person. I so know what you mean. Absolutely, completely, often, feel exactly the same. First, about feeling like we gave our babies such a bad start . . . I sometimes wonder, should I have "listened" to IF, like IF was trying to "tell" me that I should not get pg, that I would not be a good birth mother to a child. But I was stubborn, I sometimes think, and I fought IF, and now my ds is paying the price for my stubbornness. (Odd thing is, I got pg on my last cycle of trying, just like you.) Believe me, I completely understand. The only thing that helps me -- and I am not always at this place, although it does happen more and more -- is to think about the unique collection of characteristics that make up my ds, and to think that he would not be the same person if things had been different. But really, the truth is that if I could take away the things that give him pain, I would do it in a heartbeat! And it's hard to feel like I'm the one who "did" it to him because I couldn't carry him.

And, about other peoples' easy, thoughless, unappreciated pregnancies . . . you are not alone. I swear I don't know another IRL person who's struggled with IF, or PTL, or whatever. My next door neighbor (can't avoid her!) is 42, tried for a second child, got pg on her first month of trying and is having twins. She has the nerve to *complain* that she is having two, and she actually said to me "it's going to be so hot this summer, I hope they come early so I don't have to be big and sweaty." "I hope they come early"?!?! Who says that -- especially knowing my ds's story?! Yes, I get angry, and I cry, and *yes* I resent people! It's a barrier between me and most people I know, because I just can't relate to their lives and they certainly have no clue about mine.

Anyway, here is exactly the right place to share *all* of these feelings! Major HUGS.

Lisa