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Thread: Teasing.....Kids can be so mean!!!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
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    Default Teasing.....Kids can be so mean!!!

    Hi everyone,

    I just found out this morning that kids (one grade older) have been teasing my second grader during lunch at school. They are calling him Chinese Eyes and laughing. The teacher and aides at the school were not aware that this was happening. My son is VERY private and doesn't want to bring any attention to what is happening.

    So.....I'm looking for thoughts, your experiences....anything? I've been happy living in my dream world where nothing bad happens...not realistic of me but it was nice while it lasted. We have the book "Chinese Eyes" which is perfect for this situation. I'm interested in any other book recommendations for my kids or myself....what have you said to your kids? Would you approach the school?

    Any help or ideas would be appreciated!!!!
    Thanks,
    Spdbrn

  2. #2
    pepperlc is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Jan 2006
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    I'm so sorry that is happening. Unfortunately I don't have any advice except maybe talk to the school

    hugs
    karen

  3. #3

    Default Teasing Kids can be so mean

    To try to translate that, do you mean that the divorce and custody order are out of Nebraska and that the children live in Nebraska?

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
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    Default Teasing.....Kids can be so mean!!!

    Hi, I understood your point with regards to your kid. I think, it is a sort of mild bullying. It also happened to my daughter before but it is even more worse than that. What I did was to communicate with the adviser first so that she will be the one to talk to the student. After that, everything seems to be normal already.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
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    I know that this question was asked a long time ago, but I want to give some suggestions, as it could have come from many parents even today.

    There is a workbook called W.I.S.E. UP, which is great for teaching children how to respond to intrusive/nosy questions from adults, but can possibly be used to help your child deal with teasing. Basically, it helps a child feel empowered to decide whether to walk away from a situation, whether to say, "It's private," whether to do a little teaching, and so on. Being private is one thing, but learning WHEN to interact and educate about adoption, and when to realize that it's hopeless and rolling eyes and walking away, is better. You can get the workbook through the Center for Adoption Support and Education in Maryland. It's really for slightly older kids, but parents have told me that they use it with children of all ages.

    Working on overall confidence building is also helpful. The child who does not have to rely on others to button his coat, who can read directions when walking through the school building so he doesn't get lost, who can climb to the top of the jungle gym and pound his chest like Tarzan, and so on, is the child who is rarely bullied or teased, because he is seen as a leader. And while I don't normally approve of name-calling and such, the child who responds to teasing with a "stink-eye" or with a phrase, said with a grin, like, "What planet did you fall off of?" or "Who pushed the dumb-o button?" will often find that the bullies go away and don't come back -- but the child has to feel and look confident when he does these things.

    Unfortunately, many of us who are adoptive parents get so involved with attachment parenting that we think we need to do everything for our children. While nurturing is great, and attachment building is great, we often forget that the whole process of growing up involves building independence. Instead of thinking, "My son has never had any caregivers but me," Mom needs to teach him how to spend the night at Grandma's. Instead of Dad rushing to clean him up if he wets the bed at night, Dad needs to be very casual about the whole thing and teach him how to put his soiled linen in the hamper, change his pullup, and put new sheets on his bed, without disturbing the whole household. In the grocery store, parents need to send their son off to get the milk or find a can of peas. At home, a six year old can make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if he's hungry. And a six year old boy can use the men's room, as long as a parent is right nearby, rather than having Mom take him into the ladies' room. Make him feel like a big kid, and he will be less afraid to stick up for himself.

    When my daughter was in the lower grades, some of the boys went through a period of making their own eyes look slanted, and using that to tease my daughter and one of her Chinese friends. Her friend ran to the assistant principal, crying. Becca just gave the boys "the look", which told them that they were being royal jackasses, and they soon stopped bothering her. The same thing happened in grade two or so, when the boys decided that "fat" was an insult, and they would say things like, "All Chinese girls are fat". (That was a hoot, as my daughter was below the fifth percentile for weight.) The other girl, also slender, would run to tell a grownup, but my daughter would make them feel as if they just crawled out from under a rock. It's not something I taught her, but something that she felt empowered to do because she was proudly independent.

    The same kind of thing worked, by the way, when some kids asked her why she wasn't with her "real" mother, and why her birthparents "gave her away". Becca was in a bilingual Hebrew/English school at the time, and some of the Israeli teachers had little knowledge of how to talk about adoption. One of them, when Becca was in second grade, came to me, very stunned but pleased, to tell me that my daughter had responded by giving a little lecture about poverty in China and the one-child policy.

    Again, I didn't tell her to say those things. But I modeled them. I frequently talked about adoption, in Becca's hearing, and had some tricks to describe adoption in general terms, rather than answering overly personal questions like, "How much did the adoption cost?" or "Did her birthparents use drugs?" or "Was she normal?" She knew that, if someone seemed sincere in asking about adoption, I would talk nearly forever about it, and that it was a subject that was not shameful or that should be kept secret.

    All in all, anything you can do to promote independence and self-confidence will help. And I would not make a big deal about responding to reports of teasing, in first grade, unless the teasing turned physical, and your child was being hit or kicked or pushed, purposely. At that point, a sitdown with the teacher, and possibly the principal, should occur. Every school should have a zero tolerance policy for such things. Verbal bullying can become a problem later, usually in adolescence, but even then, the self-confident tween or teen rarely gets bullied; the one who has overall confidence issues that haven't been addressed by the parents is the one about whom you have to worry, because there is a risk of suicide and such.

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