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Thread: Can't Handle This~! (RePost)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
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    9

    Default Can't Handle This~! (RePost)


    I lost my baby on November 6th. I was 7 weeks and 6 days.

    Even though I wasn’t that far along and everyone keeps telling me how normal having a miscarriage is, it doesn’t make it any easier. I would never wish this on my worst enemy (whoever that is) and while some take for granted the blessing of child birth, trust me, losing one at any stage, feels like the hardest thing to ever go through. I feel so empty and like I failed our child. My life is not the same. I have to say that the idea that “God has a better plan”, “That God is in control”, or that I “Know why this has happened”, doesn’t help me. All of which may be true, but I don’t know what that means right now. Does that mean that God doesn’t want me to be happy? That God doesn’t think I’m ready to be a mother at the age of 31? That somehow I don’t deserve the blessing of having a child and a family?

    I am trying to get through this the best way possible. It is not easy. I never would have imagined it being so hard, and while I think I am a very strong person, every morning is harder than the last. Every time I sit on my toilet, walk in the house, feel any of this pain, I think of what I lost. I want to crawl up in a corner and just waste away.

    Any advice of how I can get through this?

  2. #2
    nph39 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Jan 2006
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    Default Six years and six months ago I could have written this exact post.

    That's why I feel compelled to reply even though I've only been a lurker on this board for more than a year.

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    More than six years ago I too was 8 weeks pg. I lost twin girls. It was my third IVF, I'd hyperstimulated badly, I was so sick. But I never complained because being pg was my dream. How could I complain when I got my dream? Just when the physical pain started to abate we lost the heartbeats. The physical pain was N.O.T.H.I.N.G compared to the emotional pain. I.Could.Not.Handle.It.

    Within days I knew I couldn't handle this myself. No amount of life experience or education prepares you or teaches you how to handle the situation. I found someone to talk to and I encourage you to do the same. Use every ounce of whatever insurance you have to seek someone to talk to. Find a psychotherapist who is experienced with fetal loss. She/he will guide you to any other forms of help you need.

    Get as much sleep as you can. If you can't go back to your treating doctor (RE, OB/Gyn...whomever) and ask for help. I literally was able to get maybe 2hours of sleep a night. I didn't want to encounter my dreams so I fought sleep. When I was driving from point A to point B and not remembering the trip and getting lost on simple drives that I have previously known by heart (and I am so not navigationally challenged under normal circumstances) that my psychotherapist encouraged me...actually forced me to call from her office...to call my RE who prescribed Ambien. Then when even sleep didn't "cure" me completely we moved on to Xanax and an antidepressant - short term.

    Find any way to relax that you can. Massages, acupuncture, pedicures, exercise, getting lost in a library...driving to a town where no one knows you for the day. Do whatever it takes to relax.

    Avoid triggers that set off your emotions. I couldn't be anywhere near someone who was pg or even near babies. I'd literally shake and break out in a sweat. I had to avoid baby showers, bridal showers, christenings, you name it. Fortunately, my husband understood but it took him a while to get to that point.

    Get it all out. Scream. Drive to a deserted area and scream in your car. If you can't do that get in the shower, turn up the stereo as loud as you dare and scream under the water.

    Acknowledge your loss. You lost a life. Name that life and grieve for it. And don't expect yourself to be "over" it in a day. You lost someone you loved. Grieve. And don't rush yourself. Write letters to your baby. Send balloons up to heaven. Plant a tree in your child's honor. Build a small reflecting area in a corner of your yard where you can go to be alone and think about your baby.

    Do not listen to others who expect you to get over it on their schedule. Everyone grieves differently. You will grieve how you want to grieve and for how long YOU want to grieve. That should be the end of that discussion with anyone who thinks they know better than you do what your grieving schedule should be.

    And I promise it will eventually get better.

    For some people it gets better quickly. For others it take longer. It took me a long time. But it was a gradual process...getting better all the time. And I still haven't forgotten. Every year, both at my loss date in May and at my due date in December, I lose it.

    I went on to do 5 more IVFs, 4 donor egg cycles (some with donor sperm too), and maybe 3 FETs...or was it 4?...and at leat one more miscarriage?. We finally went overseas to adopt the most beautiful baby boy. We adopted him virtually sight unseen and he is the most handsome 5 year old...tons more handsome than my DH and I could have genetically produced. And smart as a whip! I love him more than I ever thought possible.

    Because of a D&C and through the magic of karyotyping , we know I lost identical twin girls. They had an extra chromosome that was incompatable with life. And now I can thank God (or whomever) every day for my losses because without them, I wouldn't have my Evan. And he might still be languishing in an orphanage in a third world country...or worse. I know my girls are looking down on us every day.

    I will you all the best and I am sorry for your loss.

    Nadine
    Mom to Heavenly Angels - Abbie & Allie (2002)
    Mom to Earthly Angel (some days!) - Evan (b. 7/2003; a. 4/2004)

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
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    9

    Default Thank you!

    Nadine,

    Words can't express how grateful I am that you shared this with me. A part of me felt like what I was feeling was just not right. It's so helpful to see that I am not alone in the this process. And my thoughts are not so left field. In the beginning I had problems sleeping, but now I just get up once in the middle of the night. Funny how I miss the constant bathroom visits and sore breasts. I feel so empty. Who knew that the baby took up so much space already in my heart and body.

    I went to my OB/GYN and the pregnant women and newborn babies in the waiting nearly made me fall apart. I have to go back for another follow-up and I don't know how I will be able to handle it. My boyfriends sister is pregnant right now and we were actually due around the same day. That is so close to home. I'm not sure how this will affect me. Especially since he will be happy to meet and spend time with his new niece or nephew and I will probably want to stay far away. I am going to try and talk to someone soon and hope this helps.

    Thanks again, your words really Helped me!
    -Kay.

  4. #4
    sfpierce is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default Hugs and love....

    Just because mc happens doesn't mean it doesn't hurt... I lost 4 (between 5 and 13 wks) and it was horrible. When I lost my 3rd (at it was looking like we would never bc pg), my cousin's girlfriend got pg (and they had just broken up). Just be sure to be good to yourself. Talk to your boyfriend about how you are feeling and come talk to us... (I don't usual lurk or post here but I spotted your note -- you can always find me on PAI if you need me)

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
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    1

    Default

    I am so sorry for your loss- I was where you are three times... with no answers, complete devistation, and questioning God. But, I am now a "mommm" to a 14 month old gift of a baby boy. I found a ob who was willing to try everything and because of this website I also found out about the millenova immunology lab. I had bloodwork done and found that I needed a specific treatment before conception and during the first three months of pregnancy-
    If you want to become a mommy, you will. My husband and I decided to "try" to have a baby one more time (after the three misses) and we decided to look into international adoption at the same time. After researching it, we knew that even if we were able to have a biological child we would also adopt a baby.
    I understand what it is like to have someone close to you expecting a child- but, when I met the baby for the first time I was so sure of how I would feel- and I was wrong! I realized a baby is love- maybe the baby wasn't mine but, I still had love for it and for the parents- didn't make me less sad or upset at my own situation but, it made me realize that just because these people got to be parents did not have anything to do with my future ability to become a parent- they just got to experience it before me- way before me.
    I think you did the right thing by reaching out on this site. I hope that somehow this makes you feel less alone with your feelings-

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    9

    Default This site has been so great!

    I can really say that apart of my healing is due to the wonderful lessons from this site including the miscarriage manual.

    Thank you for sharing your story. It's only been 12 days, so I'm not sure what steps we will take if any, but I have learned alot about my options.

    I am so grateful.
    Kay

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    9

    Default Thank You.

    I definitely know that losing at any stage is hard. Some are probably shocked how hard it is for me since I was so early in the process, but it is what it is.

    Thank you for sharing your story. It's amazing how hearing others stories, make it so much easier. Each day is so different. One day I think I've conquered all and then it hits me hard the next.

    I know it will get better.
    Kay

  8. #8
    JodiG Guest

    Default ((((hugs)))))

    I am so sorry for your loss. Please feel free to join us on grief and loss board for support.

    http://www.inciid.org/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=145

    ((((hugs)))))

    INCIIDJodi

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
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    6

    Default

    I too felt the same way you did. There wasn't any words that could heal my inner pain and deep thoughts. I felt like a failure, I felt lost and alone. I questioned GOD. I questioned myself. Did I do something horribly wrong to deserve this? Why me? Why them? Why her? I was a horrible mess and from time to time, I still get emotional and the emotions take me back to that specific moment.
    I had two miscarriages. I lost a heartbeat at 7-8 wks. I was 11 weeks along. I have no children and this was the first lost. Nothing prepares you for such a thing. No one really talkes about it. No one really tells you what "could" happen. I was astonished in the fact that everyone keeps quiet about it until it happens. Yes, it's hurtful and painful but I never knew it was this common. And, of course.., the last thing I wanted to hear was that "it happens alot".., "don't worry, it just wasn't your time".. I HATED it all!! I wanted them ALL to shut up!
    I don't wish this upon anyone either. It is the most challenging thing I have ever gone through in my life. No one can ever prepare you for this. You must be strong and hold on tight.
    I saw a counselor shortly after, no help. Then one day, I took a walk in the park and cried, cried and cried my eyes out listening to Hootie and the Blowfish on my IPOD. I sat under a tree and cried myself to a nap. I still remember the noise in the park. The children laughing, the sound of the rustling leaves, the wind coming and going on a nice 80 degree day. It waas the most beautiful day out but the most drowning for me. No one knows that I went to the park and cried for a couple of hours. And, no one has to know. I spoke to GOD and told him to help me, guide me. I spoke to my baby and told him/her to be my angel thru life and help me become a mother someday. After that day, I felt a little better. I walked away like, "ok.., it's going to be okay".
    Then I found a great way to let go and become intune with my inner strength. Meditation. I never knew how powerful it was until now.

    All I can say is that... the pain gets better but never forgotten.

    hugs to all of you!!!

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    6

    Unhappy

    I am sorry for your loss.

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