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Thread: so many losses... how do i get the courage to try again?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2009

    Unhappy so many losses... how do i get the courage to try again?

    my name is Rachel. My husband and i have been trying to have a baby since June of last year and we have lost three pregnancies. Prior to this i lost two pregnancies.

    The last loss was espically hard on me. It was just a few days before Solstice (christmas) and I went in to get an ultrasound after some troubleling lad results. the sac was collapseing. I knew even before that that it wouldn't end well b/c of the labs... my progesterone and other hormones had dropped sharply.

    When they tested the baby after the dnc they found that she was perfectly normal. We then got me tested and they found a clotting issue. We have another appointment in April with a hematoligist to see if it's a fixable problem.

    I want a baby so badly... but right now i'm scared. I'm afraid that i'll loose another baby or that there will be something else wrong. I have been so depressed that i don't want to do anything... i've even started smokeing weed to get away from my own thoughts. I feel like i killed my baby... my body rejected a perfect child.... just like it's rejected the four others before. I love my husband but this is starting to wear me thin... i just don't know how I can get pregnant again when i am so afraid my body will react the same way. I'm loosing hope.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2008

    Default Hang in there...........

    each loss is it's own sorrow but you can survive this! There are no magic words to say that makes it any easier or better but only that you have to work through your feelings. I know it is easy to do things that make it all disappear for a while but PLEASE be careful. doing that doesn't help you get through it just covers it up for a while.

    I would say you have made progress finding out what the problem is. I KNOW how it feels to think your body killed your baby. My baby boy died in utero and my girls were deliverd too early. perfect little babies that just came into this world too soon b/c my body couldn't hold them.

    I have many friend that have had blood clottting issues and once they diagnosed it they were able to carry babies full term.

    Do everything you can to make sure you can think clearly when you go to the doctor. Once you have the information then you will know in your heart if you are ready to try again.

    For us, I didn't get pg easily and I just came to a point in my life I knew I was done trying. Once I got there I felt no regrets. If you are still hurting for a pregnancy then you are not there yet and I would assume that if the doctor thinks they can help this time then you would alway regret if you never tried.

    Hang in there! We are here to help. THe board has been slow lately but others will come around to check soon.


    my triplets are home in heaven
    Casey, Caley, and MacKenzie
    Born and died Feb 06-March 06

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2008

    Default Healing...

    Rachel - I hear the pain you are suffering in your post - your emotions are at the very surface of your being and it must feel so hard to get past the depth of your sadness to a place that feels reasonable at the moment. This is the time to do as you have - reach for the people who can give you support while everything in your life feels too heavy for you to hold.
    The piece of information that holds a light for you is that the doctors have found a problem - I know that this does not take away the losses you have already suffered - but it is a piece of hope for the future. It is too soon to consider going back into the trenches - your fear that you cannot withstand another devastation is based on how hard you have already fallen - you need both some distance from your grief and an opportunity to be really comforted. Your body is doing the best it can - I know that it seems as though it isn't good enough but as I have said so many times here before- if there was something you had known to do differently you would have done it - self-blame is a terribly unfair punishment when you are already in so much distress.

    If there is a grief/loss support group in your area I would encourage that you attend a meeting and perhpas see a greif counselor before you make any decisions about what you might do next. Including DH in this process will help you both to get back on your joint path - keep posting here and I am sure there will be many others who offer you kindness onthese pages - best to you Liz

  4. #4
    sfpierce is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
    Join Date
    Jan 2006

    Default I'm so sorry for your losses...

    Give your body and heart a little time to heal. I lost 4 before I was lucky enough to have my miracle guy. I'll confess that my heart will never fully heal from the losses that I had and the fact that my little guy will always be an only child. (My dh and I took ds to a spiral dance and someone had an altar for mc/stillbirth. I burst into tears just seeing it.) However, I am so very glad I tried again.

    This will sound crazy but there is actually some really good news in your post. They have identified a problem -- one that has been successfully treated for many women. For 3 of my mc's they never found an explanation. After our 4th, we (and our RE) were ready to give up. Then my ob/gyn who did the D&C was successful in getting some of the baby's tissue to test... fatal abnormality. Random bad luck bc my husband and I had had genetic karyotyping done after mc #3. So, when we tried again, we still didn't have a treatment plan or an answer. I had multiple bleeding episodes, was put on bedrest, and was convinced many times I'd lost the baby. But each time we'd go in and check -- he was miraculously still there.

    Go. Meet with the new doctor. Discuss a treatment plan. Give your body some healing time. And hopefully you will find the strength to try again. It CAN happen. It CAN work. Hugs, love and blessings.

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