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Thread: Growing to resent my OH after failed pregnancies

  1. #1
    uknitty Guest

    Default Growing to resent my OH after failed pregnancies

    My partner has an eleven year old son from a previous relationship. So, when I first became pregnant in June 2008, my OH's reaction was that he didn't want the baby as it was unexpected, and he had financial commitments to his existing son. This pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage at approximately 10 weeks. I was at home alone when this happened.

    After the miscarriage OH was quite supportive. He took a few days off work to be at home with me. He promised we would get through this together and he would be there for me. We agreed to not actively "try" but not to "not try" either. Just to try and let things happen in their own time.

    I had an unusual period in November which I put down to my body readjusting after the miscarriage. Throughout early December I was feeling really under the weather and also experiencing incredibly intense abdominal and pelvic pain. These pains were so strong they would double me over. I began to think I may be pregnant, but I was frightened to do a HPT as I thought at this point the pains may be due to a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. And if this was the case I didn't want to confirm it with a HPT.

    When my period didn't show I vowed to wait a week to see if anything happened, and if not then I would do the HPT test and arrange to see a Doctor. A week later I had a BFP so strong a glaring bright line. it lit up in about 30 seconds. All this did was confirm to me that something was very, very wrong.

    I just didn't *feel* right. I knew this pregnancy was going to end, and I wanted it over with sooner rather than later. It sounds crazy because I wanted this baby more than anything, but the feeling of something being very, very wrong was overwhelming. I shared these fears with my OH who told me I was "being silly" and "worrying over nothing" , but just 3 days later I started spotting dark brown blood, at this point the pain was near unbearable, but at a few days before Christmas getting to see a Doctor was not an option unless I went to the hospital A&E department.Still believing myself to be having a miscarriage I decided to stay home, as I would rather have the inevitable happen in the security and safety of my own home.

    By the 29th of December I was still spotting. By this point I had managed to convince myself that if I had managed to spot for over a week without the bleed turning bright red that maybe this was "normal" pregnancy bleeding. I was still hounded by this feeling of something being horribly wrong, so I decided to make an appointment with the EPAU to try and put my mind at rest - one way or the other I decided I needed to know.

    At the hospital a TVS revealed a large and "pregnant looking" uterus, but no pregnancy. I was reassured and told that that the pregnancy was probably just too small to be seen. Everyone kept telling me that there was "nothing to worry about" or that "I'm sure it will all be fine" or somehow making me feel like my concerns and fears were in some way unreasonable.

    The EPAU nurse said they would take bloods for a beta hCG test and call me back later to let me know the results. An hour later I was told that my hCG was just shy of 2000, which meant that the bleeding was either as a result of a miscarriage, or of an Ectopic Pregnancy. I had to go back to the hospital immediately for expectant management over the next 48 hours.

    During my first 48 hours in hospital I didn't know if I was having a miscarriage or if the pregnancy was ectopic. I hate myself for thinking it but during this time I was praying to miscarry, as the other option just seemed so much worse.

    After what is still the longest 2 days of my life I had my bloods drawn at mid-day, and was expecting my results by the mid afternoon. This waiting was absolute torture. No one came. I kept asking the nurse and being told that "the results aren't back yet". Just before midnight of what was to be my third night (the stay only got longer... much longer) in hospital a very harassed looking Doctor came to see me and said pretty much word for word " I understand you have been bothering the nurses for an update. I have not come to see you until now as we have had a complicated delivery to deal with on the labour ward. We have booked you in for surgery to remove the pregnancy first thing tomorrow"

    I have since been told that this doctor was under the impression that someone else had already informed me that the pregnancy was ectopic. Which they hadn't. OK, I can also completely understand that in the grand scheme of things that helping a woman give birth is more important than helping someone who has lost their baby but did they really have to shove it in my face like that ? It is also a huge blow to admit to myself that I am less important that a woman who is able to have children.

    I completely broke down in tears shortly after this and a midwife told me that "I've seen lots of ectopic pregnancies, you are going to be fine, but you have to keep this in perspective" I have never wanted to lash out at someone so badly in my life. She wants me to keep the loss of my baby and an enforced surgery that will in all likely hood damage my chances of conceiving again in the future *in perspective* ? This midwife later noted in my medical notes that "the patient is unpleasant and uncooperative". It is true that under the circumstances I probably was not the epitome of charm, but wow. But now I am childless and also a horrid person.

    Throughout the 48 hours while I was managed expectantly I had *repeatedly* said that should the pregnancy be ectopic, I wished to be treated via medical management. At this point I met all the criteria, unfortunately as it was now New Year's Eve/Day I was told that the medicine ( Methotrexate) was a controlled substance and would not be available until the following week.

    I finally got my first Methotrexate shot on the 5th January followed by a second shot on the 12th January. By the time the first shot was actually administered my HCG had risen to over 5000. On the 14th I passed a large piece of tissue that I was told was likely a decidual cast. My hCG plummeted after this and the indications were that the Methotrexate had been successful.

    On the 18th of January my Grandmother died.

    On the 22nd January the pain in my abdomen suddenly became so intense that I woke in the night. I was completely unable to move even slightly without almost passing out. Just before I was taken in for surgery, the junior doctor brought me the consent form and explianed the operation to me as being "like a C Section - and we do lots of those so don't worry"

    The surgeon had to make a full bikini line incision and found just over a litre of free blood in my abdominal cavity and in his words a "very large" ectopic pregnancy. (6cm). On the day of surgery I was 12 weeks pregnant. It is only with hindsight I realise that the strange "period" back in November was probably the first sign of implementation.

    I remained in hospital for a week after the surgery and missed my Gran's funeral. The one thing that was keeping me going was the thought of getting back to work and having some purpose in life. Except the day after I got home from hospital I got a phone call to say that I had been "let go" as is company policy for people taking more than a week off sick in the current economic climate. They had to get someone from head office to phone me, no one in my actual office had the guts to make that call it would appear.

    OH is working. In fact all he has done throughout this is work. He said work was too busy for him to take any holidays and be with me. I even came home from the hospital in a Taxi.

    This week is Easter week and he has taken 5 days holiday have some time with his Son.

    OH's son usually visits every Wednesday and sleeps over at weekends. Just a few days after coming home from hospital Kiddo was here for the weekend. He doesn't know the nature of what happened to me, so - I have to try and keep it hidden from him.

    OH has steadfastly refused to make any changes to his working hours childcare schedule at any point. I needed him with me so badly, but everything else seems to come first. For example this weekend - Friday night we went over to his friends house. Having been there from about 6.30 I wanted to leave around midnight, so he comes home with me and then announces that now I am home safe he is going back to finish his beer off. Saturday was his Brother's birthday and he went out. Sunday, back over to his mates again.

    The night I told him I was pregnant for the second time he went over to said mates and stayed there until almost 5 in the morning.

    From the moment he found out I was pregnant for a second time he has been completely dismissive. From telling me "your worrying over nothing" when I first had concerns that something was wrong to "Stop crying it won't solve anything" (another variation on this is what is there to talk about, it won't solve anything).

    The last few weeks have been particularly bad. My EDD for the pregnancy I miscarried was March 13th. I keep thinking that the baby should be here now. But now he tells me I need to "stop going on about it" and that I need to "get over it and move on" . Perhaps most cuttingly "I've heard nothing else but this for the last 3 months and I'm getting sick of it - and I'm not the only one either"

    I'm so constantly upset. I spend most of each day in tears. Well the days that I actually manage to get out of bed that is. Things have only got this bad since the EDD 3 weeks ago.

    He keeps telling me I need to "get back to normal" but the more I get forced and pushed in to his idea of "normal" ( routine, routine, routine) the more it emphasizes the huge gulf between how I feel and what "normal" is. His refusal to take any time out to just be with me, and acknowledge the loss of the pregnancy makes me feel so alone - and so unimportant to him.

    Between the pregnancies, the job and my grandmother I feel like I have lost everything. It seems that this relationship is almost at an end as well.

    He is insistent that he is only being like this for my benefit. He tells me he doesn't want me to cry or talk about it because he doesn't like seeing me upset. I resent him so much for not giving me the space I need to grieve and for being made to feel like I am a PITA weepy mad woman spoiling his any everyone elses day with my inability to move on.

    I don't think he gets it. I don't want to feel like this. I didn't want to lose the babies. I didn't want to lose my job and be left feeling completely useless. I want to get better, but I just don't know how.

    He says I need to go back to work. We are falling short on our bills by 400 pcm. I can't cope with the thought of job hunting and going to interviews. Not being able to get through the day without bursting out in to tears on the hour every hour may also be an obstacle in this. I know I have to though. As far as trying again goes... well as much as I desperately want a child, I know that I have to be back in work and financially stable before considering this. Not to mention the fact that the rift between me and the OH is so gaping that that has to be somehow bridged.

    I don't want to sit at home on my own crying all day and growing to hate my partner. I just don't know what to do to make things better, and to make everything stop hurting so much.
    Last edited by uknitty; 04-07-2009 at 09:29 AM. Reason: Clarity

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    67

    Default I Hear You

    I apologize if this is a duplicate post - I just typed a long response and it seems to have disappeared into cyber-space. First of all I want you to know that I hear your pain. My goodness, the extent of the trauma you have suffered in the past several months is contained in every syllable that flows from you. I am saddended by the lack of support tht you feel you have around you. It is critical that you identify someone (either a family member or a friend and if not your GP) who gets the depth of your anguish, clearly this feels as though it cannot be your partner right now. I see from your post that you are located somewhere in the UK - I am sure that there are supportive services in your area and I encourage you to look up the British Infertility Counselling Assocation's Website for further information. (I have provided you the link below). You might be able to find either a miscarriage/pregnancy loss support group or an indivdiual therapist.

    http://www.bica.net/

    In addition I would encourage you to see your GP who might be able to prescribe some medication shrot term to help you get through this current crisis. I amnot suggesting that your grief should be medicated away but the work of mourning takes time and you have been hit over the head by many things at once. You don't say whether you have unemployment benefits which might allow you to take a respite from looking for work while you recover? I suspect that there have been events in your life that also colour your experience of these recent tragedies (which alone would fell anybody). Sadly this is not the forum for providing more substantial support but please check back with us and let us know how you are doing I hope that one of my suggestions helps you to turn a corner- my kindest wishes are extened to you Liz

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    67

    Default One other thought

    Your resentment of your partner is understandable - I am not sure how able he is to support another child in his life, either emotionally, or financially but from your description of his behaviour he has many ambivalent feelings. Your sense of abandonment is felt pretty powerfully by me - I am not making excuses for him but as he is telling you with his actions that he cannot give what you currently need. It is critical that you identify someone who is more capable of providing you with compassion and comfort - you absolutely deserve that - kindest Liz

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