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Thread: Please help me with a pre-adoption question....

  1. #1
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    Default Please help me with a pre-adoption question....

    We are approved and ready to go through the foster/adopt program, we are just waiting.

    We were approached by some friends that know of a birth mom who is due next week to see if we were interested. We were so excited. We met the birth mom this weekend and I am just not feeling it, I don't feel a connection to her. Have any of you felt this way and gone on to adopt. Are these normal feelings?

    Thanks for any insight you can share with me.

  2. #2
    Allegro is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Quote Originally Posted by doubleL View Post
    We are approved and ready to go through the foster/adopt program, we are just waiting.

    We were approached by some friends that know of a birth mom who is due next week to see if we were interested. We were so excited. We met the birth mom this weekend and I am just not feeling it, I don't feel a connection to her. Have any of you felt this way and gone on to adopt. Are these normal feelings?

    Thanks for any insight you can share with me.
    You're not adopting her. It is nice to feel a connection to your child's birthparent but certainly not indicative of a successful adoption. We've adopted twice and I can't say I have any connection with either of my kids' birthparents. We have open adoptions and we're cordial to each other but really it doesn't go beyond that. As the years have gone on a relationship of sorts has developed but if not for the kids I would never speak with these people again.

    Don't worry about how you feel about the birthparent - it's not all that important. Hope this works out for you. Good luck.

  3. #3
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    You are right, thank you.

    Here is another question. If the birth mother is turning out to be flakey, not always truthful and just all around questionable (is she far along as she says, doctor appointment days keep changing, etc) would you keep pursuing or run. I have a sure thing with the county I just have to wait. Do I torture myself with this woman and hope I get the baby or just walk away now (with my heart intact) and wait to hear from the county??

    This has been keeping me up at night and I think i'm getting an ulcer. My heart says wait it out, but my head and gut say run and don't look back.

  4. #4
    Allegro is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Quote Originally Posted by doubleL View Post
    You are right, thank you.

    Here is another question. If the birth mother is turning out to be flakey, not always truthful and just all around questionable (is she far along as she says, doctor appointment days keep changing, etc) would you keep pursuing or run. I have a sure thing with the county I just have to wait. Do I torture myself with this woman and hope I get the baby or just walk away now (with my heart intact) and wait to hear from the county??

    This has been keeping me up at night and I think i'm getting an ulcer. My heart says wait it out, but my head and gut say run and don't look back.
    Here you have a valid concern. I would be wary. At the very least I would ask her to visit a doctor I trusted and get some verified information from her. If she isn't legit - she'll run at this point. This happened to us. The birthmom we were talking to just disappeared and was never heard from again. Luckily we hadn't invest too much in her and happily within three weeks were matched with my daughters birthmom. Had we pursured the first birthmom we wouldn't have been available when a real opportunity came our way. This possiblity still makes my stomach lurch. Good luck.

  5. #5
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    I'm glad things worked out for you. I'm giving my birthmom until Thursday to see a doctor and if she won't then we are done.

    Thanks for your response, you will never know how much I appreciate it.

  6. #6
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    Honestly, I've heard of tons of successful adoptions in which the bmom was flakey, missed appts., ect... She is no doubt in the middle of the worst crisis in her life, so I'd cut her a little slack. Your feelings about her could be right; or those feelings could be a reflection of your fears. My daughter's bmom was in/out of the agency's office for months. They wouldn't here from her, she wouldn't go to the doctor, ect... In fact, she didn't start receiving regular prental care until her 8th month. I'm glad I was not involved with her at that point because I would have gone crazy with all the back and forth stuff. We weren't matched until 24 hours before my daughter's birth. And even then, she didn't want to meet us at all.
    I think no matter how you choose to continue your quest to adopt, you need to be prepared for the possibility of immense heartbreak. It happens often in adoption. And adopting from the county has its share of risks too. Its all one huge leap of faith. Sometimes you walk blindfolded into a situation and then have to just jump off a cliff. That's how it felt for us.
    If I were you, I'd keep myself open to the possibility of adopting this baby; but guard your heart too. Don't give this woman any money, for sure. I wouldn't pressure her, I wouldn't assume she'll place the baby, ect... I would just keep the option open and not close that door. This is how adoption is. Very uncertain and NOTHING is in your control. Nothing. You may be right; this may not be the baby you were meant to parent. But, what if it is? Relationships are usually awkward at the beginning. Give it a chance and see where it goes.
    Jen mom of 2 miracles, one by birth and one by adoption

  7. #7
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    Default my 2 cents......

    if the foster/adopt program allows you to have other children why not keep both open.

    that is how we ended up with our two. the first one was/is foster and the second private with a bmom.

    I wouldn't put money into bmom but if it's meant to be it will. also keep in mind foster to adopt doesn't mean you will for sure get to adopt in the end. I don't mean to be negative but if there is a chance you could have a private adoption too I would keep that open.

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