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Thread: When to say "enough?"

  1. #1
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    Default When to say "enough?"

    I hope this fits the Parenting Soapbox mold as I'm not sure where else to post it and would love some thoughts.

    Those of you with children and IF who have permanently stepped off the TTC bandwagon -- how did you go about deciding to call it quits . . . and be at peace with your decision?

  2. #2
    MelanieOH is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default My decision was easy....

    DD was born via FET in 2000. We had several babysicles left. We did one more transfer using all our frozen embies and DS was born in 2003. We wanted two children, one boy and one girl. We were very fortunate to get exactly what we wanted.

    Therefore, deciding to stop was an easy decision.

    I realize that we were very fortunate. My heart goes out to those trying to make a decision. If you are trying to decide what to do, my best wishes to you.

    Melanie

  3. #3
    jenm is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    IMO it's time to say enough when your quest for the next baby interferes with your attention to the family you already have.

  4. #4
    LL2 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    A hard-won realization for me is that it was something I was going to face with conflicting emotions regardless of whether I had the (for me) ideal number of children or not. I've really struggled the last couple of years with the possibility of having a third, but I know it is purely an emotional reaction and, in a way, a reluctance to close the door on "that part" of my life. If I had a third, I suspect I would still feel the same way re: having a fourth when the issue came up again. When I really looked at the practical, emotional, psychological, and financial aspects, two is the best size for us. And I realized that was what I needed to base my decision on.

  5. #5
    jknyc is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    It is very, very hard to say good-bye to that part of your life, especially with IF. IF makes the focus on creating your family that much more a component of your daily living--no matter how much intervention was required. I think it's also harder if you think you'll have another and then can't/don't achieve that. It makes you want to turn back the clock and savor every moment of the last baby you'll care for intimately all the more.

    I like JenM's answer a lot, and that's a large part of our answer of why we're done. We're at the number I always wanted and what we think we can handle and be fair to the kids and our marriage. Another pregnancy would be fraught with anxiety until the bitter end for us. I don't want to do that to my family. I think when your desire to enjoy your current family outweighs the risks---emotional, physical, real or imagined--of ttc again, you'll know. It also gets easier with time. If you're still nursing, still have kids in diapers, it feels impossible to leave that behind. Once the youngest moves into kid-hood, it feels impossible to go back.

  6. #6
    jknyc is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Quote Originally Posted by LL2 View Post
    If I had a third, I suspect I would still feel the same way re: having a fourth when the issue came up again.
    Yes, to this. My third is 9 days old, and we know we're done. Maternity clothes boxed up and out the door. But I still get a little twinge at recent announcements by 3 friends who are having 4th kids. I don't want that level of crazy train, couldn't handle it, but the twinge is there.

  7. #7
    Reese14 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default We don't always have say in this

    I know I don't. And it goes beyond IF. I always wanted 2-3 kids.

    With my first, I was a typical nervous mom. When pg with my second, I was sure it was going to be better. I'd be relaxed, it was my second time around. I didn't expect a sick, SN baby. The past five years have been rough. I didn't get to enjoy any of his "newborn days or baby days" because they were filled with doctors/specialists/worrying. I thought when we got him on the right track, I'd have a third.

    So far there's been no "right track" and quite frankly, I'm not sure it would be fair to either one of my kids to add a third to the mix. On top of that, I've been sick for 2-1/2 years and right now my body couldn't handle a pg and I wouldn't have the health or energy to keep up with a newborn, anyway.

    So I've accepted that two is our magic number and that is fine for our family. I don't think I *said* "enough" though. I think the decision was made for me. I'm okay with it though, and that is what matters.

  8. #8
    LauraG1 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    ((Hugs)) Augie...I can only assume what brought you to ask this question is a painful time, as it is for all if'ers.
    For me, age did it. I had no other choice to make as I just hit 45, and I know we're done. Time has helped to heal it, although not completely, and I'm not sure it ever will after all I went through.
    I have an only, and never figured that into our "plans", but it's becoming perfect for us in a weird way, that is probably just us adjusting to this new normal kind of thought process. I'm not sure I could picture it another way at this point (ds is just 6, to give perspective)
    Laura

  9. #9
    jvirginia is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default The "and be at peace" is the hard part ...

    for me, though, when I was TTC it was SO hard to focus on the here-and-now, on the needs of my family, or even my own needs. I think letting go made me a better parent, but I still get serious baby yearnings. I have friends my age who just adopted a baby -they started the process in October and brought home a perfect little girl in April. It made me start thinking again about how wonderful it would be to have a baby to love.

  10. #10
    northy is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default interesting question... an issue i (m; m/c ment)

    wrestled with for some time... i was not prepared to call it quits after my twins were born... i knew dh thought we'd had enough, but i wasn't there yet... we got oops pg when they were about 2 years old... i was 42 at the time... it took them several weeks of blood tests and ultrasounds to confirm a m/c... my doc felt that my chances of getting pg and carrying a healthy baby to term were dwindling... as a distraction i asked at work to be put in charge of a demanding project - which i carried off quite well... and a year later i took a deep breath and expressed interest in a temporary promotional opportunity, which paved the way for me to get my current management job... somewhere along the way came acceptance, but i can't really tell you exactly when it was...

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