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Thread: Making the choice to Adopt...

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
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    Default Making the choice to Adopt...

    Hey all!
    I'm Laura, I haven't posted much on here, I more so lurk...lol
    I and my husband have pretty much had it with infertility treatments and the cost verses percentage of pregnancy outcome with IVF is something were not really wanting to gamble. So we've decided to go the adoption route. At first I was so pumped and excited. And now that were getting further into the process finding an adoption lawyer and about to take out a huge loan to adopt, I'm starting to kinda get sad. Is this normal? I'm sad because our dream of having our own child is becoming less and less of a reality the more we invest in adoption. I'd love to adopt and was so gun hoe for it. But that was also when I wanted to and was pursuing having our own too. I'm wondering from you all if these are normal emotions or if these are warning signs were not doing the right thing. I'm really confused and over whelmed...
    And advice?

    Thanks in advance,
    Laura
    BTW~I hope it was ok to submit this thread in this section...it sounded fitting...???

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
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    Hi Laura,

    I could have written your post when we first decided to adopt. We spent more money than I care to think of on infertility treatments, and when we finally decided to stop there was no money left. When we started looking into adoption we were shocked at how expensive it was, all I could think of was I will never be able to afford it. As fate would have it I met a girl who was a friend of a friend and she had just adopted through the county (social services). We decided to look into it and it ended up being a good fit for us. I'm not saying that this is the answer for you, but look at all the possibilities around you. If this friend had not mentioned that to me I would of never thought of adopting through the county. Look at your employee benefits a lot of companies offer adoption assistance. My husbands company pays all attorney fees so that right there would have been a huge help had we chosen to adopt privately. Ask your friends and family if they know anyone who has adopted and ask them for advice.

    The emotional part of the journey is a hard one, you are letting go of one dream to pursue another, what you are feeling is normal (at least for me it was).

    I'm sure the other ladies will have more to add. Good luck with everything and know that you can come here to share the highs and lows of the road you are about to embark.

    Lilly

  3. #3
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    Feb 2009
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    So is that like foster/adopt? Going through social services I mean. We looked into that if it is. They only have 8year old and up. I don't work but can look into my husbands benefits, thanks for that idea!

  4. #4
    pepperlc is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    We knew we were ready to adopt when it was more important to be parents than to have our biology in our child. We ended up adopting twin boys at birth. I have never once regretted my decision.

    hugs. it is hard.
    karen

  5. #5
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    Feb 2008
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    Yes mine is the foster/adopt program, but in my area there are infants available, they just take a little longer.

  6. #6
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    Karen,
    I know the feeling of that now. I'm just so sick of BFN that I just want to be a mommy. =)
    And when I hear about another miscarriage or failed IUI attempt, I can't help be thankful were done with all that! So with that I thought I must be making the right choice. But sometimes I still have that lingering sadness of never having our own. Did that go away for you? If you had that at all?

  7. #7
    pepperlc is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    What you are feeling is so normal. We are raised from very little to think about what our children will look like. Well my boys look nothing like me. In fact they are the exact opposite in every way from me.

    I do have to tell you that I also have a biological child. I got pregnant when the twins were 3 months old. I had uterine scarring from the premature birth of my older twin boys. I also have PCOS and didn't ovulate. So we had no idea if I ever could get pregnant again. We had tried many times after our loss with no success and lots of heartache. Thats when we made the decision to adopt.

    I had surgery for the scarring the day before we went to Florida to meet the birthmom and the babies. They were born 2 days earlier and she hadn't picked a family yet. The doctor was then monitoring my cycles regularly to try to get me back ovulating. Not trying to get pg just trying to fix my uterus and my cycles. I had a cycle that he told me to give myself the HCG shot so he could monitor the second half and told us to try because you never know. Well a miracle happened and my dd implanted in one of the few clean places in my uterus. She was a high risk pg with lots of stress and monitoring. I didn't feel safe until the day she was actually in my arms.

    So I do know both sides but as I said I have never once wished I hadn't adopted. R&J are my children as equally as my dd is. The adoption does come up at doctors appointments since we know no family info on the bfather's side and very little on the bmother's side. Also my one ds has ADHD that they feel was caused by inutero exposure to lots of stuff.

    My boys know they were adopted and that they came from "the lady's belly" as they call her. They also know that my dd came from mommy's belly but that both are equally good and wonderful.

    I don't know if this helped or made it worse with me telling you about my dd. I'm sorry if I upset you.

    big hugs
    karen

  8. #8
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    Feb 2009
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    No of course not! I'm not upset at all. =)
    But I do have to ask, what are all the abbrevations? Sorry I'm not familiar with what everything stands for

    Me and my husband have an appt. with an adoption lawyer June 10th!! I'm excited! Like actually excited right now so thats a good thing! lol We don't do birth control but haven't ever since I've been married 3 years ago. I have Cystic Fibrosis which makes CM thicker and more problematic for the sperm to get to the egg. Its been reported "hostile CM" so its not impossible that we can get pregnant, but it hasn't proven to be any time soon. So I think this is the next step and if we get pregnant down the road at some point, Great! In the mean time I'm ready just to hang a dang baby already!! lol

    thanks so much for all of your advice and stories. It really helps to talk to people that have been there. It helps me to know the feelings I have a normal and I'm not making a HUGE mistake bringing a baby into our home. Cause the baby being put up for adoption is enough, it doesn't need to go to a home that isn't sure if its wanted on top of that! Any more stories or advice is greatly appreciated! I enjoy reading your stories and thoughts. =)

  9. #9
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    Hi Laura,

    I think what you are feeling is very normal. I post on another adoption website that is much more active and lots of people come with that worry. I would guess that 99% or more resolve that feeling and fall madly in love with their babies. Briefly, here's my story. Our first child was stillborn at 20 weeks, 1 m/c, 3 years of IF, then my bio son was born to us. 4 years of SIF, 4 more m/c, and we finally decided to adopt. For me, pregnancies were a nightmare. After losing that many babies I just reached a point where I absolutely did not want to EVER be pregnant again. Never ever. I just wanted a baby. I wanted a guaranteed baby that would not end in a grave to visit, a miscarriage, another failed IUI, another month of drugs, ect... I was DONE. But still, I think it took us about 8 months or so before we first started talking about adoption until we did it. I was worried I would feel like I was babysitting someone's child. What if our baby was ugly? (I know, horrible things!!) But then, one day I'm visiting a friend who just had a baby. I'm holding this newborn, and for a brief moment, I imagined that she was mine. I imagined how I would feel if someone just handed me this child and said, "she's yours now". Could I love a child I didn't give birth to? And after that moment, I knew the answer was yes. I could love a child I did not give birth to. I could love it with all my heart. Our homestudy took about 2 months to complete. We were waiting for 4 weeks when we got the call that we were selected and our daughter was born 24 hours later. Now, having a biological child already, I didn't know how I'd feel when I met my daughter. The social workers all said bonding happens over time, there is no love at first sight. I swear to God and all that is Holy, the moment my husband and I saw our daughter through the nursery window, we loved her. We loved her with all of our souls. And the moment the nurse put her in my arms, I swear, I would have died for her. It felt EXACTLY the same as when I gave birth to my son. Exactly. It was such an overwhelming love.
    I guess I'm telling you this because I felt like you are feeling now. And now, my daughter is 17 months old and most days, I forget she is adopted! She is even a different race than the rest of us. And yes, she is the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen in my life! lol She was always meant to be our daughter. I know you'll find the baby that is meant to be yours too!
    Have you read the book called Adopting after Infertility? I had no grief with letting go of my desire to get pregnant but LOTS of women do. This book might help you work that out. Goodluck! Oh, my, this was long!! Sorry!

    Jennifer

  10. #10
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    Feb 2009
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    Jennifer,
    I'm so sorry about the rocky road you've had with pregnancies in the past. I couldn't imagine to finally get pregnant and loose it. Which is another reason I'm so glad were done with all that.
    I feel so reassured to hear that all you have felt one way or another like I have. And that you love your adopted children like your own. This is a really poor example, but its the closest thing I have to understanding a love for children you didn't have. And thats how much I love my 2 little yorkies. THere like my kids!! LOL I know right? Like I said its a BAD example. But the second yorkie my husband got me I didn't feel bonded to at first. And I grew to love him so much. He's the cutest and his personality is to die for, he's so fun.
    I've thought those things you have to about adopted kids. Like what if we don't think our kid is very cute or bond to it. And then i think of my mousy looking yorkie that I've grown to love as much or even more than my first yorkie. Ok I feel silly know comparing my dog love to loving your children so I'm gonna stop now!
    Thanks so much for you input!

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