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Thread: Can't explain how I feel

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    2

    Default Can't explain how I feel

    Two weeks ago tomorrow we learned that our baby had died. We were at the dr. for our 18 week sono to find out the sex of the baby. The dr. couldn't find the heart beat. The next day I delivered a little boy we named Ethan. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. We did IVF 3 years ago and were blessed with twins. Ethan was the result of a frozen cycle. I am sad, angry and frustrated.
    What keeps me going is knowing that we have two more embryos that we can try. I am ready to start another cycle, but everyone around me says I need time to grieve. I am grieving, but I feel like starting another cycle would help me come to terms with this loss and look forward to the future. Does that make sense? Did anyone else feel the need to get pregnant again as soon as possible? I just don't want to wait. It's frustrating to me every time someone says to take my time. I don't want to.
    Any advice or encouragement is greatly appreciated!
    Thanks,
    Leah

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    67

    Default Hi Leah

    Hi Leah - I am just getting to your post now and wanted to make sure that I responded, although I am sure that others will post their own experience.

    I am so saddened to hear of your heartbreaking loss of Ethan - your grief is palpable in your words and I suspect that the people who love and care about you are struggling to know how best to support you through your mourning. It is not unusual to feel the way that you do - you had expected to be pregnant for many more weeks and to carry your son to term, the sudden rupture of Ethan from you takes an enormous toll in more ways than the obvious. Beyond the devastation of losing him are the unanswerable questions that come with such a tragedy. Finding a way to adapt to your body now that it is no longer carrying your child can feel insurmountable and likely contributes to your desire to try so quickly to get pregnant again. The space in between losing Ethan and becoming pregnant again can simply be unbearable.

    It is important to find the support you need to verbalize the feelings that you are having - this will help in your overall recovery, physcially and emotionally. I understand that you believe being pregnant IS the recovery but you do need some time to rest. The grief will come despite the kind words of others - it is the inescapable burden of sorrow - the work that you do with the grief, i.e. mourning, will help you to move forward with the strength you need to continue to mother your twins and carry another child.

    You do not say whether you have had any time of memorial for Ethan - this can help you to immortalize his permanent place in the family - I am confident that others will have many suggestions for how you might do that - kindest to you and your family - Liz

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    2

    Default

    Thank you Liz for your kind words. I am seeing a counselor to help with the whole process. I guess I just don't know what to expect from all the emotions. I still believe with all my heart that going ahead with our last transfer will help me deal with the whole situation. But I am not an expert at grief. I don't know what else to do, or how else to mourn, other than I cry at least once each day. Ethan is always in my thoughts. Would he have looked like his dad? Would he have been as attached to sports as his brother? Would he have had red hair like his sister? I miss that he will never wrap his little hand around my finger. I won't get to smell his precious baby smell.
    As far as a memorial, I have a charm on my necklace with his name. I am decorating a container that will hold all the things we have been given since his death...cards, letters, the hospital gave us a little hat and blanket...all those things will go in the can. What else do you suggest? A garden is not possible, it is too hot and dry here and I am not that great at taking care of plants.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    67

    Default Additional thoughts

    Hi Leah - you sound as though you are doing all the things that help at a time like this - the grief you feel will have its own timetable - I don't want to tell you what is best for you - and in cyberspace it would be even more presumptuous to do so - I encourage you to keep talking to your counselor - if the urge to try again is not quelled by anything but trying again then this is where you are and no-one else can convince you to feel what you don't feel.

    With respect to what else you might do to mourn Ethan - you are doing several things that honor his painfully sweet little life - donating children's books to a library in his name helps to keep him on the lips of every child - he will never be forgotten in your heart but sometimes knowing that he always has the potential to enter the heart of others brings priceless comfort - warmest Liz

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