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Thread: Long and convoluted friendship question

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2006

    Default Long and convoluted friendship question

    I have twin daughters who just started first grade this year. They
    are in separate classes in the same school. Both girls have always
    been very social and friendly with lots of kids and have never had
    trouble making friends. Y is a little bit more outgoing than H, but
    this year, H is having a much easier time. She is getting invites
    from several new friends and has maintained friendships with several
    friends from kindergarten who are in her class.

    Y has made a new friend this year. This little girl, P, is nice but she
    only wants to play with Y. I feel like she is pulling Y away from
    being friends with other kids and I am afraid that people are going to
    stop trying to play with Y because P is always playing with her.

    An example: P was playing outside with my girls yesterday afternoon and
    inside our house earlier last week. Both times, there were other
    girls there as well. The other girls are not English speakers, (P is)
    and our rule is that if there are kids who do not speak English,
    everyone must speak in Hebrew so no one feels left out. P refuses to
    follow this rule. I don't know if she has a real problem with Hebrew
    (I doubt it - she is in a regular school in a regular class) or if she
    just prefers to speak English. P will just sit quietly in a corner or
    far away from everyone else until Y goes over and plays with her in
    English. And Y only talks about playing with P in school. I am very
    afraid that Y is alienating herself from all the other girls in her

    Another example: we had another girl over today who told me that P
    actually tells her that she cannot play with Y! (Granted, a six year old
    reported this but why on earth would she lie?)

    I don't know how to explain to Y that she isn't doing herself any
    favours by playing exclusively with P. It is not that I don't want
    them to be friends but I don't want P to monopolize her. Y is not
    complaining - she does not tell me that it bothers her that P is
    so possesive, but it certainly bothers me, especially since it seems that
    P doesn't like to/won't play with other kids at all.

    What should I do?


  2. #2
    psilverman is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
    Join Date
    Aug 2006

    Default It is funny...

    ...because I worried that this might be the case with a little girl and my dd last year in pre-k. I just had a feeling that the other little girl might be the type who wanted ONE best friend... and was possessive. So even before it started, I talked to my dd about how great it was to have lots of friends, and to treat everyone fairly and play with everyone. We talked about being a "good leader" and not a blind follower. I thought that it hadn't been necessary after all, because nothing ever came of it -- but this year, one year later, I talked to one of the teachers who said that I was dead on about this other little girl, but that my dd had resisted. I think you'd be well served to talk to Y about how important and wonderful it is to have lots of friends and that she can always include P, but if P doesn't want to play, she needn't be guilted into leaving others.

  3. #3
    fatcat is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
    Join Date
    Jan 2006


    I don't know what I'd do. I think my dd is on the "out" in this kind of situation at school, meaning there is already a kindergarten clique and she is often told she can't play. I just figure and HOPE they grow out of it???

  4. #4
    suzybj is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
    Join Date
    Mar 2008

    Default This is what I

    was afraid would happen with my DD and her friend "A". I asked specifically at conferences recently if my DD always plays with "A" and not other kids but was relieved to learn she has lots of friends. However, so far we have only had playdates with "A".

    Although tonight my DD told me she was upset because "A" came as a friend with her to dance one Monday and the same week on Thursday "A" went with another friend to dance class. "A"'s Mom signed "A" up for dance with the other friend. My DD said "A"'s Mom just told her "No, she won't be taking dance." when my DD asked if "A" could join her dance class. Then my DD finds out that "A" is taking dance with another friend. I just told my DD I'm sure there's other reasons why they chose dance on that night. Probably a conflict with "A"'s sister's schedule and not to take it pesonally.

    Anyway, I would talk to her about always trying to include everybody (if they want to play) but that doesn't mean excluding yourself from everyone else (if someone doesn't want to play).


  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2006


    Thanks for the input everyone. Unbelievably, today she actually asked to invite someone else over (yay!) and she is playing beautifully with the new girl. I am also planning on calling her teacher tonight because perhaps I am not getting the whole picture. I only see what happens with P when she's here but I don't know what's really going on in school.

    Anyway, I am keeping my eye on the situation and I do plan on limiting playdates with P for the time being.


  6. #6
    Lissa9701 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
    Join Date
    Jan 2006

    Default Just posted on PNO about similar subjects.

    My dd's in 3rd and 6th are going through the same thing. It is so frustrating. It's like they both have stalkers.

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