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Thread: New to this board and need some help...

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    157

    Default New to this board and need some help...

    Brief history, dh and I went thru several yrs of infertility before deciding to adopt (that was in 1999), in 2001 we were chosen by a bmom to adopt her baby. We brought the little girl home from the hospital, had her in our lives for just 2 days when the bmom changed her mind. So we suffered a failed placement and were devastated. However we continued to pursue adoption, signed with a different agency. In 2003 we were chosen again and successfully adopted a beautiful baby boy. During that process I would not let myself get excited, didn't even get an outfit to bring him home until the night before we picked him up. Fast forward to present, dh and I are building our dream home but I find myself second guessing every decision, not letting my self get excited, worrying about everything from finances to the color of tile we chose. Dh is getting upset because he is so excited, and I am like a wet blanket. I am bothered by the fact that I can't get really excited about this dream we are fulfilling and started thinking back to the last time I was really truely excited and it was when the little girl was placed with us. Since then I have guarded myself and my emotions. How do I get over this, how do I let my self feel happy and excited about good things??? If you have read this far, thank you, I would really appreciate any help!! Patty

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    1,235

    Default

    Hi Patty,

    I don't think Liz moderates this board anymore but I wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you and for how you are feeling. I wish I could offer some advice but I can tell you what I have done during low points in my life and maybe this isn't the right solution for you but this is what helped me. There have been two points in my life where anxiety and sadness ruled over me, and one of those times was right before my wedding (when I'm supposed to be the happiest girl in the world, right?!). My doctor put me on Paxil for a few months and it really helped me, I felt like a new person and was able to enjoy life again. I know meds aren't the solution for everyone and sometimes it's only a band-aid if there are real underlying issues that need to be addressed. So if you just want to chat I am definitely here for you

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    226

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    Quote Originally Posted by pastaff View Post
    Brief history, dh and I went thru several yrs of infertility before deciding to adopt (that was in 1999), in 2001 we were chosen by a bmom to adopt her baby. We brought the little girl home from the hospital, had her in our lives for just 2 days when the bmom changed her mind. So we suffered a failed placement and were devastated. However we continued to pursue adoption, signed with a different agency. In 2003 we were chosen again and successfully adopted a beautiful baby boy. During that process I would not let myself get excited, didn't even get an outfit to bring him home until the night before we picked him up. Fast forward to present, dh and I are building our dream home but I find myself second guessing every decision, not letting my self get excited, worrying about everything from finances to the color of tile we chose. Dh is getting upset because he is so excited, and I am like a wet blanket. I am bothered by the fact that I can't get really excited about this dream we are fulfilling and started thinking back to the last time I was really truely excited and it was when the little girl was placed with us. Since then I have guarded myself and my emotions. How do I get over this, how do I let my self feel happy and excited about good things??? If you have read this far, thank you, I would really appreciate any help!! Patty
    Patty,
    Welcome to INCIID. I just wanted to say, the failed adoption as you probably know is a traumatic event. Those kinds of events can be so difficult that they transfer to be ever present in our daily life. The loss of your adoption is a very painful loss.

    We went through 7 years, 4 miscarriages and a "boat load full of drugs" to get our older daughter (almost 15) then we adopted internationally. Adoption can be full of expectations - in our adoption our daughter came to us severely traumatized. She is still mute at almost 10 and has many of the same kinds of issues that a traumatic brain injury brings having much trauma (abuse and neglect) preverbally.

    This kind of situation your failed adoption, our traumatized child - or any trauma can leave you hyper vigilant. One thing I think you might look for is the kind of things that "trigger" more of the kind of response you spoke about. By paying attention to the bigger triggers and avoiding those you may be ablet to figure out ways to desensitize yourself to them.

    I know we (friends and family) often recommend taking care of yourself -- but what I have found is that this aspect of daily life - taking care of yourself - is a really important factor in staying healthy so you can take care of your family. I am sure there are others who can recommend other things to help. Please feel free to post and seek support here. This place has some of the kindest and most caring women who will reach out and try to lend some virtual support.

    Nancy

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