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Thread: NJ/NY doctor for ADHD?

  1. #1
    Reese14 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Mar 2006

    Default NJ/NY doctor for ADHD?

    I know, and always have, that my DS has ADHD. I've taken him to "the" doctors and they say nothing is wrong with him. They spend their 10 minutes with him, see how charming he can be to speak to, and decide he is fine and it must be a parenting problem. (Never mind that I have an older DS who is NOTHING like this)

    Our family life has crumbled over the past few years. DH and I fight day and night and the stress is unbelievable. DH is vehemently against any medication and says nothing is wrong with him. That's because he refuses to come home for any length of time--because he can't HANDLE it.

    I dread any type of playdate, family gathering, etc because I am on edge knowing he is going to start something.

    DS, who is going to be 7, does not watch tv, video games, play with toys. He recently cut into the woodwork around my windows, just to destroy it. He took a scissor and cut the seatbelt in my car and destroyed that. Must. Destroy. Everything.

    I need him medicated because I cannot live like this anymore. My older DS doesn't deserve to live like this either. There is little we CAN do because of my younger one, and my older DS knows this. I'm suprised he doesn't resent his brother, though that is probably coming down the pike. We couldn't even join the pool with older DS's friends because I can't take my younger one and watch him fight with every child at the pool the whole time. So my older DS loses out, again. What else is new.

    I'm so sick of living like this.

    Any recommendations you have are great. I'm sure this will be a marriage ender because DH is so against it, but at this point, I think we are there anyway because of it so what is the difference.

  2. #2
    Dani is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Feb 2008


    No recommendations or advice, but major hugs here. I'm sorry you are dealing with so much right now, but I hope this can be the turning point for you. I'm sending you strength to do the best thing for your sons AND yourself. You deserve some peace and lots of love and support.

    Take care, and keep us updated.

  3. #3
    sugarsue is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Jan 2006

    Default A suggestion

    How close are you to Darien, Connectuicut? I don't know about ADHD, but this doc is a great allergist and immunologist and is working with lots of PANDAS pantients now. He knows a lot about behavorial disorders and may be of some help in at least identifying what is wrong.

    Denis Bouboulis, MD

    17 Old Kings Hwy S
    Darien, CT06820

    Phone: (203) 655-9904
    Fax: (203) 655-8948

  4. #4
    angeleena is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    May 2006


    Sorry to hear things are so rough. I hope that you can get to a great doctor and get the right meds. If DH doesn't want meds for your ds, maybe he should spend a weekend at home with the kids by himself. lol!
    Actually, that is not a half bad idea!
    Can you plan a day away by yourself or with a friend and let him deal all day and maybe night by himself? You could be sipping wine with a friend at the beach with a smile on your face knowing that he is getting a good dose of life with a special needs kid. hehe
    Dh has learned a lot from spending more time at home. now is great with ME scheduling any doc/med that will help (as long as it is safe) now. He was not always into it though. (And he does NONE of the research, calling, paperwork, etc...but I MAKE him go to the appts now everytime).
    I totally KNOW what you mean when you say you cannot go anywhere....and that you dread going places..... Ella is unpredictable. Although we are in a good place for the past week now so I have taken her out to dinner AND she has a friend over right now I still am anxious waiting for the other shoe to drop.
    Would your husband be OK with something besides a stimulant like Tenex? It has been shown to be really safe. It might help with aggressive stuff. It calms my girl down a lot. I could not/would not be able to handle life with dd unmedicated. no way, no how. She is not even on the right meds, but it is better than unmedicated. omg.
    Plus, I wonder if your dh knows how much social stuff can be affected by a child who needs meds that does not have the meds. It might make for a lonely life for him as far as good friendships go. And, i wonder does your dh realize that the poor kid probably feels pretty bad feeling so bad you know?
    How about school? Does he do ok there? Have friends?
    And, btw- i TOTALLY ALSO understand about the docs talking about parenting and behavioral stuff when it is a chemical issue in the brain!! OMG! I am SO OVER that one. I am actually ready to scream at the next doc that talks about behavioral counseling. (Have had counseling for 3 years now! and have read all of the books on parenting an explosive child, 123 magic, etc...)
    I hope you can get some answers soon!
    Until thoughts are with you!


  5. #5
    ReneeNJ's Avatar
    ReneeNJ is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Jan 2006


    I don't have a recommendation but I can tell you what we did to get Emma's diagnosis. We went in to the ped when Emma had just turned seven and had completed 1st grade. The ped was rather casual about it but we weren't particularly prepared either. We knew that something was going on and were pretty sure it was ADHD b/c she is very bright but couldn't stay focused in class to "show what she knows". He brushed us off and said she was young.

    Move forward a year. She is still struggling and has the same teacher (multi-year program). Emma's teacher worked w/ her, tried different strategies, etc. and was not having success. She painted a wonderful picture of Emma w/ report card notes, emails, etc. Emma's annual physical is typically in late June/early July. I pulled all of the report card notes, emails, scales (two types) done by DH and her teacher, and results of her standardized testing scores. I also wrote a letter to the ped laying out my concerns and that I wanted to discuss this during her office visit. I was loaded for bear b/c I was not going to be brushed off again.

    We went into her appt and he agreed that something was going on. He told us the first step was a full educational assessment to ensure that there was not some other type of learning disability going on. He gave us recommendations for PhD psychologists to have the assessment done. We had the assessment completed in July and she did a full barage of tests. She also had us fill out really detailed scales. She also gave a diagnosis of ADHD-inattentive type. We went back to the ped and he is who prescribes her meds. She started on an extended release Ritalin and has switched to Concerta (which is also a stimulant but slightly longer acting). There was a marked difference in behavior at home and success at school. Her 3rd grade classroom teacher said she wouldn't have known about the ADHD had we not told her. She has had several teachers for multiple years (G&T) and she does notice and inquires when Emma is struggling. Despite meds the kid can lose a book for reading between home and her locker at 1030 AM. Emma just completed 5th grade and the middle school transition is going to be fun!

    If you search this board on my username there is more detail in older posts. I would suggest that you look on line for scales (there are quite a few around) and have your DH fill out a scale independently. When confronted w/ the questions he might not be in the same degree of denial. Regardless, you should fill out scales, line out your concerns in writing w/ specific examples and go talk to your ped. They can give you recommendations on docs in your area. For us it was a one-time visit for the assessment but depending on who you see, there might be the need for f/u visits, thus think about location.

    You are the best advocate for your child. Technically you can try to get your school district to do the educational assessment but it is an uphill battle (even in relatively friendly districts). We opted to pay for it ourselves and it cost ~$650. We had it done in Philly so I don't think that will be much help.

    If you have any questions, please ask. It's rough and I don't think we've had the number of behavioral issues that you have. Also, my DH has been very supportive (although I'm the driver of the bus).



  6. #6
    BriNJ is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Mar 2006


    I have some ideas for you, since we are not far apart. We are about to see a new neuro, my old neuro isnt far from you and def. will listen. And I have some ideas about assessing... and if you want to do an psych. ed assessment, I'll refer you to my colleageues. I just emailed you.


  7. #7
    Julie L is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Jan 2006

    Default Reese (m) ...

    We started seeing our nuerologist when he had an office in Englewood. However, he closed that office. He now has an office in Suffern (pretty close, although he's not there very often) and his main office is in Sleepy Hollow (that's Westchester - he's about 10 minutes from the Tappan Zee Bridge). I try to see him in Suffern, but I also go to Sleepy Hollow - it's not too far, and we don't have to go that often. We don't mind the trip because I think he is terrific!

    Let me know if you want his information.


  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2006

    Default I think you need a complete assessment (m)

    and not just the ten minute interview type thing. For my ds we had several of these 20 minute office consults where ds was his charming self and the drs never saw anything wrong, and it was always, 'He seems fine.' It wasn't until they finally did a multi-disciplinary assessment that we finallygot some answers and in that case it was only becasue all the members of the team (physio, ot, psych, ed consultant) all got together to discuss the case when the little 'oddities' each has pick uup on, which were pretty benign alone, added up to give a true picture of ds, as well as a diagnosis. So it sounds like your ds needs observation and some formal assessment that includes questionnaires etc filled in by you to give a true picture of his functioning.

    As for your dh, I don't have any good advice with that - just a lot of sympathy for you. I think many men find it very hard to accept that there could be something 'wrong' with their child and find avoidance/denial the easiest option - especially if the professionals can't figure out what the deal is either. The fact that your dh is doing this speaks strongly to the fact the he knows there is a problem, but can't face it yet. I think you do need to perserve and get some second opinions and a diagnosis and follow your gut.


  9. #9
    PPeanut is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    I don't remember where in NJ you are. We got a full assessment from Michael Koffman at short hills associates (which is near short hills, but technically is springfield). DS now sees the psychiatrist and a therapist there. One challenge that you might have is part of the assessments for ADHD include rating scales from the teachers.

    There is another doc who is farther north that was recommended, but I can't remember who it was. In googling for him, I found this

    If I was just starting out, I might check them out.

    One caution I would offer is that other things can look like ADHD. It is worth getting a thorough eval to make sure that is what you are dealing with. Even with an eval, it took some trial and error with meds to discover that anxiety was my ds's over riding issue rather than ADHD. In fact after the first few weeks, ADHD meds made him worse.

    Good Luck! I know how hard this is. My sons also lost out because of their brother's challenges. Not fair, but it happens.

  10. #10
    Troy is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Jun 2006


    Don't know about NJ doctors, but when I was in your shoes, with a recalcitrant husband and a clearly SN kid, I started with a full assessment by an educational psychologist, who did mental health, behavioral, and educational assessment for two FULL days, preceded by two behavioral inventory scales separately filled out by my husband and me. This gave us information on IQ, ADD, "executive functioning," and any obvious behavioral or mental health issues.

    My dd (whose problems sound like they are not nearly as serious as your ds) had difficulty sitting through some of the tests -- which in turn gave the psych a fair amount of insight into her academic issues.

    Not that neurologists can't provide insight, but I do think they are looking to some extent for purely medical issues, and might not spend that kind of intensive time to examine all the things that might be bedeviling your child.

    What helped my DH come around to medication, was meeting with the psychiatrist, who explained what the meds do and don't do, and what can happen to a child who needs medication but doesn't get it -- things like, eventually, self-medication, loss of self-esteem, etc.

    The psychologist told me that there are a lot of people like your DH who only bring their child to her after it is beyond doubt that they are failing, usually middle school, but by that time it is so much harder to turn things around. Getting your child tested early is the right thing to do. As I said to my DH, how can getting information be bad? After that, take it one step at a time.


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