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Thread: five years ago (story of our last hours together)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
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    3

    Default five years ago (story of our last hours together)

    Five years ago I held my 8 week old daughter as she took her last breath.
    She was very sick, and never made it home from the hospital. My memory of her last day is so vivid, and when I take the time to think about it, my heart aches as if it were yesterday.

    Chloe had been on a ventilator in the NICU and was deteriorating. The plan was to have her transported home after the Fourth of July
    holiday and basically spend her last day/hours with her at home. After losing Sydney and Joshua the year before I did not want to
    leave the hospital with empty arms again. But there was too much red tape to get her home within a few days, and I knew she was very
    sick and uncomfortable.

    After being in the NICU for 8 weeks, we had come to know her caregivers pretty well. On Friday, July 1, 2005 her neonatologist, respiratory therapist and nicu nurse helped us to take her for a walk outside in our stroller. They followed with an oxygen tank as the respiratory therapist walked along side, giving her breaths with a manual bag. My family and I each took turns pushing the stroller in the hospital courtyard for about an hour. We took pictures and it was comforting to feel her soft skin
    warmed by the sun. We were then able to take her up in the elevator to a meeting room/living type room with a sofa and chairs and tall windows. Her endotrachial tube was removed and I held her close and rocked her for the first time, unencumbered by tubes or wires. I read her
    Good Night Moon, then walked with her over to the tall windows. I saw two birds and knew they were Joshua and Sydney waiting for her. She was finally at peace.

    I bathed her and dressed her and held her for a long time. I had made arrangements with the funeral home prior to, because I couldn't
    bear the thought of her being brought down to the basement of the hospital - alone. But I was not prepared for the arrival of the
    woman who was to take her. She was dressed in a long black trenchcoat, carrying what looked like a violin case - a box with a handle.
    There was no way I was going to let her put my baby in that case and carry her away. I insisted on swaddlling her and carrying her out
    of the hospital myself. I can recall the silent walk to the elevator and down the long corridors leading to the exit. My supportive
    family surrounding us and following us outside to the bright, late afternoon sun that marks the beginning of summer. Down the hard concrete steps and onto the cracked, gray sidewalk we continued. The lump in my throat growing with each small step.

    We made it outside to the street where the woman dressed in black had parked her car. This is the moment where I completely lost it. I just couldn't let her go. After a minute, Brian took her gently from me - my back to the car. I never turned around.

    Time goes by, but the heart always remembers.

    Thanks for reading and thinking about Chloe for a moment today.

    Lauren

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Posts
    8

    Default What a beautiful memory!

    I am so sorry for your losses. You wrote an amazingly vivid tribute of your precious Chloe, it almost felt like we were there with you, with tears streaming down our faces as well. She will never be forgotten. May your memories & surrounding love hold you up during this time.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    9

    Default

    Thank you for sharing...you and Chloe are in my thoughts...

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    4

    Default So Sorry

    I cannot imagine the pain you feel when you remember Chloe. I am truly so sorry for your losses- knowing that you probably, like the rest of us, think about it every day. I hope that we can all see our babies again. How can our hearts endure so much pain.


    My thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Carly

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    4

    Default MY heart aches

    This morning I walked into the hospital outpatient clinic to have a transvaginal ultrasound. Hours before, my husband had boarded a flight to Texas. What we expected was that I would see my baby's heart beat. See him swimming around ecstatic that I was poking around looking for him. How horrible the gut wrenching pain that followed the moment when nothing moved. It was as if time stood still. Martha, the U/S tech just stared at the screen. I secretly sent a message to my baby, "come one Raspberry.... move. RaspBerry...come on! Raspberry...where are you?" All that I saw was a deflated balloon hopelessly sitting at the bottom of the screen. The world stopped. Time stopped. My heart stopped. My head went numb. This has to be a nightmare. I took such good care of my baby. I took such good care of my baby. Why is my baby gone. Why is my baby gone??How many days I had imagined holding him and seeing his beautiful face. And now. I was helpless. No one could bring my baby back. Somehow, the hospital finds it to be a good idea to schedule a DNC immediately. I didn't even know what was going on. I couldn't focus. I just wanted my husband and my baby and the way things were the week before. When I could feel my baby. When i was tired and nauseaus and all of the other things that came with it. Now its just me. All alone- no raspberry to chat with. No reason to crave food. No appetite. No energy. No drive. No reason. Today was a horrible day. I want it to go away. I want to wake up and have someone tell me this was all a dream.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    3

    Default i am so sorry

    Dear Carly,

    I am so sorry for your loss. The pain you are feeling is palpable in your post. I hope you are not alone as you grieve the loss of your baby.
    Unfortunately, there are no words to take away your pain. Just know that you and your baby are in my thoughts. wishing you peace as you go through this sad time with your family. My heart is heavy today....

    hugs,
    Lauren

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    4

    Default Day Two, my baby is gone

    I am surprised to wake up; I honestly don't remember having fallen asleep. Worked so hard yesterday to come to terms with the loss of our Raspberry. Funny name, I know... but that's what he looked like when I first saw him via a T/V sonogram. There was this little glitter lighting up. Bloop, bloop, bloop. Everytime we would talk to Raspberry, we would greet, "Bloop".... because that was our secret language. I woke up and promise I thought, "Thank god! I woke up from that nightmare." Then I looked at my pillow and saw all of the dried tears from the day before. I had cried myself to sleep and am crying again. How can I even look at myself in the mirror? How can I ever reach back to clasp my bra again. Everything revolved around my raspberry. Waffles and Orange Juice, eggs and potatoes....everything on the menu, Please
    I can't even think about eating now. It's like... there isn't a good reason to do anything at all. I walk past that room where I would have peeked into my raspberry. I think about how I longed to see his face and how I couldn't wait to meet him. And I didn't get a chance to hold him or even say goodbye.
    Day two... it feels almost worse than day one minus all of the visuals. The image of my deflated little balloon on the bottom of the screen. The visual of Martha, the U/S tech grabbing my knee as she dug deeper with the probe. Felt like my head unlatched from my body. Felt like a horrible movie. But it is real. And day two stinks.

    I have no where else to share this. DOn't know how I am going to tell my boss I need a few days off. She doesn't handle those things well. Wish I could just quit my job. But- that's not the answer. I just want my husband. I want my husband and my baby and everything the way it was LAST WEEK. Not today. Not yesterday. I don't want those days. Ever. I want to wake up.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    1,235

    Default

    Hi Carly,

    I am so sorry for your loss, my heart hurts for you.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    4

    Default Day Four...D & C

    In just a couple of hours, someone is going to aspirate my baby out of my womb. I've never felt so empty. I feel like someone took my soul.

    Please keep us in your prayers. I am numb from the pain. I don't want to go back outside and become part of the world without my baby.

    Carly

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    3

    Default

    Oh Carly, you and your baby are definitely in my thoughts and continue to be. I hope you have someone to lean on during this sad time, I am here and will check back daily...

    wish i could lessen the pain for you and all those that have to experience loss...

    ~ Lauren

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