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Thread: 10 1/2 year old daughter feeling "blue" and lonely (m)

  1. #1
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    Default 10 1/2 year old daughter feeling "blue" and lonely (m)

    Hi there,
    I could use some input...My oldest (dd, age 10 1/2), is having a hard time right now. Academically, she has straight A's and A+'s, she was just selected for all-county orchestra, etc. Socially, however, she is feeling very lonely and I'm not sure how to help her. She is a bright, beautiful girl who is very into theatre and the arts. Her grade at school is 2/3 boys and 1/3 girls and the girls are all uber jocks who spend a lot of time together doing travel sports. DD, is very into theatre and is in several professional or community productions a year. Last holiday season she was in a very prominant role in a large professional production and she literally had the time of her life. She did not get that same role this year, however, and this has been difficult for her b/c that is how she identifies herself and really her only social outlet. She did get a role in another production but we are not thrilled with the director's attitude towards kids and it has really not been a positive experience for her. Lately (past couple of weeks) she has been in a perpetually bad mood- awful to her brother and sister, negative, etc. Her and I had a long talk about everything and she said, "mom, I don't feel like right now I have a lot to feel happy about. Everything seems gray". I asked if she felt sad and she said no, but she just felt like she didn't really have anything to get excited about. Again, she is excelling in school, not withdrawing, not sleeping more, etc., so I don't feel she is clinically depressed, just "blah". How can I help her engage more socially (I really don't care for most girls in her class- they're "mean" girls) and find a way to connect? Sorry this is so long- any help appreciated!

    Lea

  2. #2
    anniemc2000 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    I have a similar 10.5 year old dd. She too is an excellent student, loves playing flute & viola. She plays travel soccer & basketball. Lately though she is extremely cranky & craving every moment of our attention. I think some of it may be physical & hormonal, though she is not developed at all yet. Dd struggles a bit to find her niche socially. She does better one on one and is a little intimidated by the packs of girl groups in 5th grade. One thing that helps is we have tried to foster a friendship with a girl in town who shares her love of music but doesn't attend her school. Is there anyone your dd could connect with through theatre? The girls play together most Fridays after school, and is always a comfortable playdate for dd. She can be herself. My dd has also expressed she feels torn between growung up & staying a kid, because "being a grown-up doesn't seem fun." We have tried to do some laid back but fun holiday activities, and also engaged her in volunteering with the giving tree at our church and I think that's helping her feel better too. It's a tough age, she is my oldest too.

    Ann

  3. #3
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    Default WOW- your dd sounds like a clone of mine! My dd (m)

    also plays viola and loves it! I think you're right about hooking her up with kids outside of school. The only problem is, several of her closest theatre friends are in the play right now that she did not cast in and that is making it even harder. I think we need to focus on giving this season and helping others, as you pointed out, which always makes people feel good. DD is not showing any signs of development (still very thin and flat chested), but I'm sure the hormones are beginning to ramp up, which her and I talked about as well...Thanks so much for your suggestions. It helps to know other are experiencing the same thing!

    Lea

  4. #4
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    Default I can relate as well. I have twin 10.5 year old girls

    i was just at school volunteering and got there early so witnessed recess. This age has become very clicky and I swear I could spot the mean girls. Some of the girls are fully developed and some seem so young.And I think at this age the age differences make a big difference. There are girls in 5th that are 11.5.

    Unfortunately my daughter who really seems to care about being very social has ADHD and has difficulty keeping friends. In both 3rd and 4th she had that "best" friend but each year when the new grade started and she wasn't in class with them they made new friends and dumped her.Actually just pretends she doesn't excist (sp?)

    I try to keep her in outside school activities and hopefully she is getting positive social experiences from that. I know she is finding 5 th grade somewhat painful.

    I actually look foward to middle school for the opportunity to make new friends. She will be able to meet a lot more girls than the 50 in her current grade and hopefully will find the 1 or 2 that she clicks well with.

    I feel your pain and just wanted to share she is not alone.

  5. #5
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    Default Thanks, Susan- I agree, I keep telling my dd that (m)

    middle school will be so much better because 4 elementary schools will be coming together and she will have an opportunity to meet more kids with similar interests, etc. The clique thing really kicked in this year and girls she was friends with in the past now treat her as if "I am invisible", she says. Breaks my heart! I think I need to get the "Queen Bees and Wannabes" book someone on this site recommended...

    Lea

  6. #6
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    Default Isn't it amazing they could have been best friend before

    and now they are invisible. I really don't remember going through that but. then again it's been a long time. I think it is a form of bullying but really what can you do about it. You can't make kids play together and if I said anything my daughter would be horrified. They have a week long Outdoor Adventures overnight trip in March. I am concerned about this because they get to pick who they want to bunk with and fear my one daughter will be left out.

  7. #7
    anniemc2000 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Wouldn't it be nice if we all lived close? Dd started middle school this year, 5th grade, and it has diluted some of the cliques. As far as the bunk issue goes, dd just went on an overnight in October. You could pick 1-3 people to bunk with. They put those names on a sticky note and they could not be separated, but sticky notes could be combined, as there were cabins of 10. Dd put her one good friend from school on her sticky and they were matched with 8 girls they didn't know.....and had the time of their lives! I was so nervous because I didn't get picked to chaperone, but it was a great experience for her.
    Thanks for sharing ladies!
    Ann

  8. #8
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    Default Unfortunately our outdoor ed is only their grade their school.

    I mentioned the other day maybe I wouldn't send them and both my girls were horrified at the thought. I'm sure they will be fine I just worry. No parents go as chaperones. They have seniors from a local high school and teachers during the day.Wish I could go. They also don't allow phone calls but I wonder if I could insist that she be able to talk to me.

    Is that a typo or does middle school start in the 5th grade by you?

  9. #9
    anniemc2000 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Middle school is 5th here, 5th-8th grade. So far so good at school, they have a 5th grade wing, assigned seats at lunch, etc, but I just couldn't stand the idea of my little 10 year old on the bus with 14-15 year olds, so I drive her every day.

  10. #10
    jeninnc is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    I know this is an old thread but I am having the same issue with my dd right now. She was in tears last night about school and always being picked last for things.

    She's almost 11, 5th grade and has never really "clicked" at her school with anyone. She has friends at school, but not "friends" like the other girls have...

    I know part of it is her personality - introverted and she waits for people to invite her instead of putting herself out there, but a lot of it is the 5th grade mean girl thing too. She good friends elsewhere, but the school thing is so hard.

    I just wish I had the right things to say to her to make it better.

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