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Thread: so, I guess I have a bully situation, long, long, long

  1. #11
    zoeyz is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Quote Originally Posted by Allegro View Post
    Sigh. The other boy? He's my DS. Really. Well not really but figuratively. I'm POSITIVE that there is a mom our there who could write the same post about DS. We work on it A LOT but it's kind of like swimming in quick sand; we make almost no progress despite putting a lot of effort into it. DD is often the target because she's the one he's around the most and she's the one who can't just get away from him. He's not a bully or at least he doesn't mean to be one and desperately wants to be part of the group. Worse he doesn't understand why saying the things he says almost automatically gets him excluded (and he is universally excluded although he doesn't see that either).
    I was wondering if it might be more like this rather than bullying. It is hard for some kids to know how to interact with other kids. (((hugs)))

  2. #12
    Allegro is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Medication doesn't fix everything but it does give us a fighting chance to work on things. socially DS has come miles but he was so far behind that the school board stepped in in 1st grade (pre-medication) because his teacher couldn't handle him on her own. So he's still pretty far behind. ALL of DS's problems are social - he excels academically (no, he is not gifted). We did go through pretty rigorous testing before we agreed to medication even then finding the right medication/dose has been a huge challenge which is why DS is now seen by a developemntal pediatrician who specializes in ADHD.

    Good luck with your DS - both of them; I so understand the challenge.

  3. #13
    fatcat is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    I kinda don't care about the semantics - my kid has equally as hard a time interacting socially too, seeing as he has zero self esteem and NO FRIENDS at this point. Whatever it is, it's persistent verbal harassment, disrespectful put-downs, insults and disparaging comments. I don't think my son should take it a second longer and I'm actually quite angry at myself for dismissing his feelings and thinking my kid might be equally a troublemaker for all this time.

  4. #14
    Allegro is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Quote Originally Posted by fatcat View Post
    I kinda don't care about the semantics - my kid has equally as hard a time interacting socially too, seeing as he has zero self esteem and NO FRIENDS at this point. Whatever it is, it's persistent verbal harassment, disrespectful put-downs, insults and disparaging comments. I don't think my son should take it a second longer and I'm actually quite angry at myself for dismissing his feelings and thinking my kid might be equally a troublemaker for all this time.
    Didn't mean to imply you aren't justified in protecting your son. Heck I spend a great deal of time sending my son to apologize to other kids. I once made him stand in front of an entire locker room of boys and their hockey coaches and apologize for a statement he had made about their team.

    I just wanted to point out that its not always a bad upbringing or a mean kid.

    Your son is my worst nightmare. I've been working hard to protect other kids from mine since he was a toddler. DS has a good heart and he tries hard; he just doesn't get it.

    Sorry.

  5. #15
    Lanie is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    (HUGS)

    I may not be the best one to comment because this is hitting our house, too. I think your last paragraph is dead on to what I would do. Avoidance, while not a skill we want to glorify necessarly, is, in my opinion, a viable course of action in this case. Sometimes you just have to get away from the bullies altogether. There is a time and place for learning how to deal with people we'd rather not deal with, but expecting a full on lesson to be learned at 12 is ridiculous in my mind. The 12 yo (I'm speaking for mine--might transfer to others) brain is capable of handling only so much--as a mother, I will mitigate when necessary and run interference when I have to. There is enough going on academically, socially, homonally at that age that dealing with kids who can't shut their mouths and have parents that don't see the bigger issue just add to the problem. I, for one, am putting my foot down. The learning environment should not be compromised -- and anyway, life's too short to be miserable. Sounds like your ds will be tickled pink not to have to deal with the other boy. I feel for him--it must be exhausting...Hugs to you and Garrett...

    (and good luck with them being split up in school! My request was flat out denied...I hate dd's school!)

  6. #16
    Katie2 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    Default Hugs to you

    My son has many of the same traits, and we too work constantly to try to teach him better. It hurts to have him excluded, as well as to have parents think that his behavior is a result of laziness/ignorance/poor role modeling on the part of DH and I.

    We've had DS evaluated, twice in fact, and both times there was no organic reason for his behavior identified. It would be so much easier if we knew it was condition "X" that was the cause and that there was a clear way to fix it.

    One of the worst parts is other kids seem to have learned how easy it is to get DS into trouble. I say this because I witnessed it first hand. A little girl who was a guest at our home accused DS of pushing her head under the water in our pool. I asked her if she was sure that is what happened because her hair and face were bone dry. She just gave a little giggle and shrug and moved away. It really made me question those times I didn't believe DS when he claimed he hadn't done something of which he'd been accused.

    Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your post. I just wanted you to know you're not alone. DS has so many wonderful qualities, as I am certain your DS does as well. If he can just learn how to control himself and think of others before he speaks or acts, I'd be the happiest woman in the world. If I find the magic solution, I promise to let you know.



    Quote Originally Posted by Allegro View Post
    Didn't mean to imply you aren't justified in protecting your son. Heck I spend a great deal of time sending my son to apologize to other kids. I once made him stand in front of an entire locker room of boys and their hockey coaches and apologize for a statement he had made about their team.

    I just wanted to point out that its not always a bad upbringing or a mean kid.

    Your son is my worst nightmare. I've been working hard to protect other kids from mine since he was a toddler. DS has a good heart and he tries hard; he just doesn't get it.

    Sorry.

  7. #17
    Katie2 is offline INCIIDer - A Community Creator
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    How horrible for your DS. I am so sorry he has had to deal with someone so toxic to him.

    I think your plan of avoidance is probably the best route right now. While I can understand feeling anxious over how to handle the other child's mother, the bottom line is your son's well being is your primary concern. Whatever problems that other child has, and I'm confident there are plenty, you cannot allow your child to be sacrificed to spare him or his parents.

    Good luck. This sounds like an awful situation for everyone involved.

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